I don't think I want to go to Chicago
I think I have found a sneaky way that I can still write my Blog here at work. Sure maybe the IT people may read this, but I am sure if they really wanted to they could have found my Blog site if they wanted to. Hell, my sister did. : ) So, I am writing this on my work e-mail so if the spies start looking over my shoulder, as they do, I will be alright. How are they to know if I am writing something for a work related thing or if I am doing something "personal." I mean we all do things at work that help us maintain our sanity throughout the day. This is a benefit to the company really. I do better work by expressing myself. Let me hear a "hoo haa" two times Tuesdays!
Let me say real quick the thing that has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't want to go to Chicago. I already have a plan ticket, got a super cheap hotel and a super cheap rental car. The Hotel is in Oak Grove Village (I know I never heard of it either) which I found out, through research, is right by this huge Forest Preserve called Busse Park. It has a herd of Elk even that roams it. I thought I could also take a trip over to the Botanic Gardens because I hear it's beautiful. It's not that far of a drive and is free! It's just the parking is $12. I laughed when I read that it was free to get in but you have to pay to park. On the bus, here at home, I ended up riding with my downstairs neighbor Joe and we briefly talked about Chicago and he said Amanda, the condo owner - he lives with her, and went to the Chicago Institute of Art. That reminded me I never spent as much time as I wanted to there and I would love to just spend a few hours in the Impressionist exhibit. There is so much to do and see in Chicago, but when you have never traveled on your own before, a good friend isn't talking to you at the moment, you know you will feel the need to stop in to your EX's work because, "It's just in my personality. I can't just go somewhere and know someone I care about is there and just not stop in to say hi. I even do that for people I don't like that much or at all.... when the trip was never meant to be about that; and then there is the other EX who I want to make sure no hanky panky happens with, but know I would have fun hanging out with if they don't flake out, well it kind of gets me down on a daily basis. I have told friends, "It's just money, and it's already gone so it does not affect my finances anymore really, so I can always just not go." I bought the airplane ticket so I would not avoid Chicago because Josh lives there, and now I have lost a piece of my support network because, well, frankly I used up every last piece they had for me. I could go on forever about this because I really do at some point in the day think about the trip and dread it. Sometimes I perk up and think of the cool things I could do which happens when I research things.
Well, let's see how this works posting this on the blog now.
One step forward
It was a good long day yesterday. My mom showed up at my house at 9:15 and so we had enough time before we went to Park Methodist church since the service started at 10. For some reason my mom and I always think the service starts at 9:30. It was perfect though because we went up to Gigi's and I had some Bacon, Egg, Tart (as they like to call Quiche there) which was wonderful and I bought my mom a muffin even though she didn't want anything. We had some good though somewhat sad conversation since I go more info on my cousin and how the reason we were asked not to talk about it was because we really don't know how he died. It more than likely was not suicide. Well, we arrived at church right on time and I noticed the sister of my former friend Jacob, Hanna, helping with vocals for the worship. She had AMAZING vocals. Going to Park Methodist is always interesting since I know people through other aspects of life that are involved with the music there and stories about them that would make the "godly" cringe, and yet they are moved and feel the pressence of God while worshiping. I loved it all, the music, joking with my mom, the introducing of new memebers where one of them took the microphone and started speaking only in French. Only in French! I originally thought that I was not understanding his accent and then the pastor explained what was happenening and then the Music Leader/piano player, who is French, translated. I love Park Methodist, too bad the pastor is leaving in June. (I forgot to mention that I really loved that the pastor used a line from the movie Saved! during his sermon and gave credit for it in code. The line? When Mandy Moore's charector threw a bible at her pregnet friend and screams, "I am full of the love of Christ!"
We made it back to my parents and had some really amazing chicken sandwhiches my mom made, and we had onion rings too. YUMMY! Then was the trip to Dairy Queen with my dad. He really is becoming an older man and it's always so apparent when we go out to a restraunt of any kind. So cute though too. YUMMY again! We made it back home before Paul got to the house and had time to watch an hour of this foreign film my dad recently bought. Also very good. By the time it was done I was ready to get on the bus and go home or swim. I actualy did go swimming, and went to the Wilde Roast for some soup, and then met up with a friend at the BullDog and played some darts and actually won! That never happens. The best part? Running into a trick from a few weeks back (I hide under his bed and we STILL messed around...I was very trashed. Yea, I know. Trust me I am just hoping being more honest on here will keep me more accountable for who I want to be in life) and him saying, "Jonathan Howard!" and I was so shocked I drew a blank on his name. He is as handsome and slightly queeny as I remember him, and oh course he was part of the group of people that my friend was just meeting for the first time. The best part is I think I made a good impression this time around since I was still fun while sober and I would not mind being in contact with him in general.
Well, that's about all there is, I did get to have a green beer last night and I did have some beer on Saturday and I was responsible both nights. I just wonder sometimes if the best thing for me to do is try to stop everything cold turkey cause it then seems I break down and abuse things. Always a theory.
It's easier to be unhealthy
Every couple of weeks I reasses and realize that I am still not being the healthy man I need to be. I don't go to the gym, I call up my friends to plan to hang out only to cancel or just not even contact them. I choose to sleep over reading and if I give up sex one week then it's replaces with food the next and if it's not food then it's spending too much time in front of the TV or computer. I even slip into drinking still which I did this past week since I was going to be done with sex and food and try to find healthier things to do. So why is it so hard to do what is healthy? Right now I am feeling spacey since I skipped work and my medication yesterday, and thus I slept all day yesterday and then this morning I got a call from my mom with some horrible news. Someone the family knows committed suicide. The worst part is the news could have been about me a year ago and now I really am still not back to where I was before I started to date Josh. And what's with me holding onto Josh so badly that I have sacrificed family and friends and really it has nothing to do with Josh. Really it doesn't. I feel sorry for the guy. So that leaves me with me and how do I get healthier. Basically, it's that the healthy things are foreign to me now and will take a lot of work to achieve. I know what the text books say and I know it's true, it's tough, it's work, it feels so wrong because I have been used to being destructive in a way to myself for so long.
No for those of you who read this I don't want you to think that I never do healthy things, that I never take care of myself, that I am still secretly unhappy all the time. I am really in a better place and if I appear like I am having fun while you are with me..I really am. You see you get to be a part of a moment that I really am doing what I need to do to be less destructive, I am having fun with you. And i have really good weeks and then I slip a little. The goal is to just have a healthy lifestyle and not beat myself up when and if I do slip. :)
I thought I should be honest and so here it all is. I must admit getting the news this morning helps put things into perspective.
Hmmmmmm
I wanted to post something since it has been a bit. I have been thinking that maybe I should try to write little stories like I used to instead of these 'journal' like entries. Well, maybe a little story will come later. Really it's just that I want to become a better writer and the more one writes the better one gets, I think. I guess I don't feel all that inspired to write at this moment, but I will try to come up with something by next Monday :)
So, yesterday was Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras and HGA had a little bit of decorating contests and lots and lots of food. I was beaming all day because of the energy that this place lacks lately. It was all the new people, those here less than a year, who really got into it. Good, good times.
