Jho's Place

Today has been like a lot of others. Moments of cool contemplation, moments of dehydration, moments of sadness, moments with anxiety, moments of energy, and moments for the need to sleep. I am at a nap moment right now. I really want to take a nap because anytime I stare at a computer screen and try to think at the same time my vision gets blurry. I am trying to convert my building finances excel spreadsheet into a personal finace spread sheet, and I do not know all the formulas I need to know. At least I think I don't, because I can't get the desired outcome of taking my total balance and subtracting it from my expenses to keep a running talley of what is in my bank account after I enter new expenses information in. I am sure it's easy and I just got stuck and not able to see the simple solution. I may attempt to do it tomorrow, or even once again after I am done typing this.

As for the other moments, I do find that I really am a morning person once I get going. I enjoy getting things done before I ever get out the door. Having a sense of accomplishment as the start of the day is really nice. I made it to church today for an Education Class which is taught by this guy Chester. He and I have had conversations about religion and spirituality and I have enjoyed his point of view. Today's class starts a five class series about Atonment. The idea that Christ was the last sacrfice and no human, agricultural or animal sacrifice was ever needed again. It was interesting to me to be in a room full of people that tend to lean towards the "God is love" ideal and forget that there is elements in the fundamental traditions that are important to remember. Everyone needs to be challenged on what they believe so they may have the potential for deeper beliefs. I am looking forward to the classes

When I met up with Kristina, Sarah, Amy and Tim for breakfast after church, the enevitable question came up again when the talk came to me looking for work. "Have you thought about doing something that is involved with your degree?" People in my life seem to not grasp how hard it was for me to "walk away" from it. I finally feel I can incorporate what I have learned about the Deaf Community and apply it to basically any sub-culture group in the US. It brought back a flood of emotions and anxiety that I have not felt in a long time when asked that question. I guess that is part of recovery, it leaves me more vulnerable, but I do not collapse inside anymore or ignore it. I try to ask the question, "What is this feeling trying to teach me?" As long as I don't pick up and use or act out then the next day I have better clarity and understand. My perception of it for now it that going to college to be a Sign Language Interpreter was the last time I felt I have a clear direction in my life, that I had a lot of great, amazing resources to start a carreer, and I had motivation. After I lost all that, I floundered and thought I would never feel a sense of direction again. Well, unlike when the question was asked before, I now have direction and like where I feel my life is heading. This is the first time in 8 years I have felt this way, and to be reminded of how my life toppled on top of me where I thought I would NEVER have a happy thought or memory again is tough.

Writing this out now has helped me process though, as it always does, and I hope there is something in your life that you can relate to this situation and gain something from reading this.
Have a good day all.

posted by makeisweet @ 1:30 PM