Jho's Place

I still have a chance

I was never close to Bart; all I knew about him were my impressions. Like, at family get-togethers he would at least make a point to come up with a firm handshake, a smile, and a sincere, "How are ya?" Last week, at 37, Bart broke into his house that was on the market, took out a gun, and shot himself in the head.

"Let's remember the Bart that we knew and loved. The Bart that was always willing to lend a helping hand, always willing to have a smile ready, someone who cared about his family, and someone people saw endless potential in. Not the man overrun by addiction and depression these past two years."

Maybe I am making those exact words up, but it's in the spirit of what one of his sister's said. Bart's immediate family, children, co-workers and ex-wife sobbed while all present watched pictures flash on a wall. It was the Bart we wanted to remeber.

"Look at twinkle in his eyes. He had the most amazing smile."

I started thinking about my cousin Adam's funeral last year, and I felt my tears. There was no logical reason for Adam to jump off that Hospital parking ramp, or for Bart to put a gun to his head. Adam and Bart had loving, supportive, and caring, families, friends, and co-workers. Everyone who knew them appreciated them; and these people had to watch helplessly knowing they could not heal Adam or Bart's emotional pain. I understand Bart and Adam. I can feel alone even when surrounded by my friends. On some level, I am sure they thought ending their lives would benefit and lessen the pain of those they loved. It's twisted, but in the depths of desperation, reason is always the loser. To me, those at Bart's Funeral represented my group of friends, family, and co-workers wishing I had reached out. I imagined my spirit saying, "I am sorry for putting you through this." I weeped because of it.

There is more I am forgetting and more I could invent; the bottom line is I plan to be here and will work on my recovery without forgetting Adam or Bart's stories. They were men who cared about life, always tried to understand those around them, and seemed to have a positive attitude while the rest of the world complained. They encouraged others even when they didn't appreciate their value and worth. Fighting everyday to make it in the world, they decided to stop trying. Sometimes I want to stop trying. I want to start drinking again, doing drugs, using sex, anything to not feel the emotional pain I deal with daily. I'm an addict. Sobriety is my highest priority now, and though I wish I could have gotten to know Bart and Adam, I will keep on staying sober and improving myself because of them.

posted by makeisweet @ 3:38 PM 0 comments

A lot on my plate

Well, I have a lot on my plate as of late and it makes me stop to think, "Am I making things harder than they need to be? Am I putting more work into something than is needed or expected? Am I creating a busy atmosphere so I don't have to think as much about creating a positive life for myself?" Honestly, I am not sure how to answer those questions. There is a great logical response to how I am not doing those things.

I just got done having a session with my therapist. It's interesting how much I want those around me to understand what my intents are at all times and how worked up I get when I percieve they are not responding with respect. I raise my voice, my body gets tense, I have even broken down and started heaving as my emotions get the better of me. This is my greatest lesson to learn; I need to practise responding with respect and honesty. I need to give myself some slack too considering it's only really been a month and a half of sobriety and I have more experience covering up my hurts than I do in experssing them in a respectful way to others and myself. The mantra of, "How do I change myself and the way I react to the world? How do I learn to respect that peeople can only behave with the experiences they have been presented with? How do I respect that people are not me?" I think of all these things on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel very acomplished and that I am making progress and sometimes I revert to the behaviors I have already mentioned above.

I was told that doing the after-care for the treatment program I went to, 2525 Park Ave, is something that I need to do, or basically follow through on. I was upset when I found out that my councelor at the treatment program had contacted my therapist and basically made it out that I was the bad guy. I don't know. Maybe the councelor owned up to how he was a part of things too. Mentioning this bring me back to my original explanations. I don't know unless I ask him. I don't know if when I apologize for getting worked up that my councelor will own up to his part of it or if he will only consider me to be the one with something to change. And then I need to understand that I have to accept what he is able to give. I don't need to be his friend. I need to talk to him though if I am going to go to after-care. And all I can think about too is that it's another night of my time being eaten up by recovery. Actually when I put it that way there is never too much time spent on becoming the person I want to be.

And that's my post

-Jonathan

posted by makeisweet @ 11:40 AM 0 comments