Jho's Place

It's easier to be unhealthy

Every couple of weeks I reasses and realize that I am still not being the healthy man I need to be. I don't go to the gym, I call up my friends to plan to hang out only to cancel or just not even contact them. I choose to sleep over reading and if I give up sex one week then it's replaces with food the next and if it's not food then it's spending too much time in front of the TV or computer. I even slip into drinking still which I did this past week since I was going to be done with sex and food and try to find healthier things to do. So why is it so hard to do what is healthy? Right now I am feeling spacey since I skipped work and my medication yesterday, and thus I slept all day yesterday and then this morning I got a call from my mom with some horrible news. Someone the family knows committed suicide. The worst part is the news could have been about me a year ago and now I really am still not back to where I was before I started to date Josh. And what's with me holding onto Josh so badly that I have sacrificed family and friends and really it has nothing to do with Josh. Really it doesn't. I feel sorry for the guy. So that leaves me with me and how do I get healthier. Basically, it's that the healthy things are foreign to me now and will take a lot of work to achieve. I know what the text books say and I know it's true, it's tough, it's work, it feels so wrong because I have been used to being destructive in a way to myself for so long.

No for those of you who read this I don't want you to think that I never do healthy things, that I never take care of myself, that I am still secretly unhappy all the time. I am really in a better place and if I appear like I am having fun while you are with me..I really am. You see you get to be a part of a moment that I really am doing what I need to do to be less destructive, I am having fun with you. And i have really good weeks and then I slip a little. The goal is to just have a healthy lifestyle and not beat myself up when and if I do slip. :)

I thought I should be honest and so here it all is. I must admit getting the news this morning helps put things into perspective.

posted by makeisweet @ 7:03 AM