Jho's Place

I still have a chance

I was never close to Bart; all I knew about him were my impressions. Like, at family get-togethers he would at least make a point to come up with a firm handshake, a smile, and a sincere, "How are ya?" Last week, at 37, Bart broke into his house that was on the market, took out a gun, and shot himself in the head.

"Let's remember the Bart that we knew and loved. The Bart that was always willing to lend a helping hand, always willing to have a smile ready, someone who cared about his family, and someone people saw endless potential in. Not the man overrun by addiction and depression these past two years."

Maybe I am making those exact words up, but it's in the spirit of what one of his sister's said. Bart's immediate family, children, co-workers and ex-wife sobbed while all present watched pictures flash on a wall. It was the Bart we wanted to remeber.

"Look at twinkle in his eyes. He had the most amazing smile."

I started thinking about my cousin Adam's funeral last year, and I felt my tears. There was no logical reason for Adam to jump off that Hospital parking ramp, or for Bart to put a gun to his head. Adam and Bart had loving, supportive, and caring, families, friends, and co-workers. Everyone who knew them appreciated them; and these people had to watch helplessly knowing they could not heal Adam or Bart's emotional pain. I understand Bart and Adam. I can feel alone even when surrounded by my friends. On some level, I am sure they thought ending their lives would benefit and lessen the pain of those they loved. It's twisted, but in the depths of desperation, reason is always the loser. To me, those at Bart's Funeral represented my group of friends, family, and co-workers wishing I had reached out. I imagined my spirit saying, "I am sorry for putting you through this." I weeped because of it.

There is more I am forgetting and more I could invent; the bottom line is I plan to be here and will work on my recovery without forgetting Adam or Bart's stories. They were men who cared about life, always tried to understand those around them, and seemed to have a positive attitude while the rest of the world complained. They encouraged others even when they didn't appreciate their value and worth. Fighting everyday to make it in the world, they decided to stop trying. Sometimes I want to stop trying. I want to start drinking again, doing drugs, using sex, anything to not feel the emotional pain I deal with daily. I'm an addict. Sobriety is my highest priority now, and though I wish I could have gotten to know Bart and Adam, I will keep on staying sober and improving myself because of them.

posted by makeisweet @ 3:38 PM