Jho's Place

A lot on my plate

Well, I have a lot on my plate as of late and it makes me stop to think, "Am I making things harder than they need to be? Am I putting more work into something than is needed or expected? Am I creating a busy atmosphere so I don't have to think as much about creating a positive life for myself?" Honestly, I am not sure how to answer those questions. There is a great logical response to how I am not doing those things.

I just got done having a session with my therapist. It's interesting how much I want those around me to understand what my intents are at all times and how worked up I get when I percieve they are not responding with respect. I raise my voice, my body gets tense, I have even broken down and started heaving as my emotions get the better of me. This is my greatest lesson to learn; I need to practise responding with respect and honesty. I need to give myself some slack too considering it's only really been a month and a half of sobriety and I have more experience covering up my hurts than I do in experssing them in a respectful way to others and myself. The mantra of, "How do I change myself and the way I react to the world? How do I learn to respect that peeople can only behave with the experiences they have been presented with? How do I respect that people are not me?" I think of all these things on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel very acomplished and that I am making progress and sometimes I revert to the behaviors I have already mentioned above.

I was told that doing the after-care for the treatment program I went to, 2525 Park Ave, is something that I need to do, or basically follow through on. I was upset when I found out that my councelor at the treatment program had contacted my therapist and basically made it out that I was the bad guy. I don't know. Maybe the councelor owned up to how he was a part of things too. Mentioning this bring me back to my original explanations. I don't know unless I ask him. I don't know if when I apologize for getting worked up that my councelor will own up to his part of it or if he will only consider me to be the one with something to change. And then I need to understand that I have to accept what he is able to give. I don't need to be his friend. I need to talk to him though if I am going to go to after-care. And all I can think about too is that it's another night of my time being eaten up by recovery. Actually when I put it that way there is never too much time spent on becoming the person I want to be.

And that's my post

-Jonathan

posted by makeisweet @ 11:40 AM