Jho's Place

Shout outs to the universe

2007-04-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

First to Emilio, not only are you a hottie, I caught you flexing in front of the mirror as I walked back from the bathroom in the locker room, you have a heart of gold. When I zipped open my Underwear gym bag, there was no towel in it. "Damn!", I said under my breath. I went back around the lockers seperating us and asked, "Do you know if they would put a towel on a memebership card at the front desk?" Your smile was disarming, charming, innocent, and sincere, "I don't know," you said in your sexy accent. "It doesn't matter. I'll use my t-shirt," I said pointing to my open locker. (mind you I am fully clothed and so is Emilio during this transaction) "I think it's a dollar for a towel" I explained I didn't have any cash, so you took out your wallet and gave me a dollar. "You can pay me back the next time we see each other here." People like you deserve a shout out for your kindness.

Second to the girl who called me out on the bus an hour ago. A group of 8 teens got on the bus and were moving from seat to seat, flirting with each other in a I-am-hitting-you-because-I-like-you way and all around having a good time giving each other shit. I smiled to myself often and couldn't help but raising my hand to cover my mouth amd whisper to the guy next to me, "It's like we're on a school bus." And she said, "Ya know, he's right, we're acting like this is a school bus. 'Cause on a school bus people get up and move from seat to seat and talk to each other across the bus." She was all smiles. I turned orange shades of red, started laughing and said, "I can't believe I got busted. I whispered that so quiet!" She was sweet, kept the mood light, and understood I didn't whisper out of malice but amusement. People like you deserve a shout out for your sense of fun.

Nothing to report about everything

2007-04-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

I still am sending out resumes like crazy and still don't hear back from people. The traditional thing to do is to send out the resume and then contact them by phone to make sure it got to it's destination. Most places ask you not to call now. I plan to honor that. I wish I knew more "ins" if you know what I mean. Jobs usually happen becuase you know someone who works at the company that recommends you. At least I can say I am truely putting forth the effort!

The Fringe show seems to be working out. I met with the assitant manager of La Bodega who seems to be very ept at planning an event like ours. Also, I made a point to say I would contribute a spefic amount of money for the show, $3,000, my services as a House Manager, and as a liason to the Fringe Staff. I am realizing that this is all going to be much easier than I thought. It really mirrors the Sunday Dinner events that I did in college in so many ways that really the most benefit from doing it will be that I have something current to show that I can and not something from 7 or 8 years ago.

I finally have my living room set up beautifully. The most recent addition is a Soul Asylum, with the Jay Hawks, poster that I have held on to since 1998 New Year's Eve. I am not sure how to describe it. hmmmm....I need to write "buy a camera" on my to do list. If it's been a while since you have seen my place you will be in for a pleseant visit.

I have simplified my life, so there is not too much more. Easter was fun. We sat in the very back of North Heights Lutheran church, in the individual chairs, and there was never a moment when we were all actually sitting in a row. I whispered to my sister at one point, "We're not really good examples for Nolan on how to behave in church." :) Good times.

After Processing

2007-03-30T10:06:00.000-07:00

I just got back from talking to a therapist I check in with. Basically I realized the lesson I needed to learn from the slip I had is to SLOW DOWN. I give myself a lot of grief because I feel that I am intellegent enough to be able to get 'this.' I want it all to happen now. I want to do what I know I am capable of immediately instead of reminding myself that it took me 30 years to get to who I am now, and it will probably take 30 more to reverse all of that. I wish as a young folk I didn't need to learn things for myself, espeically since how I choose to cope from childhood to this adult life rarely was "healthy." I am trying to step back and I admit it's tough. I want to show the world just how much I have to give, and I want them to respect me for it NOW! Yea, that never worked in the past for me either.

Putting it all together

2007-03-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

My chiropractor has been giving me Adam Robbins' "motivational" CD's one at a time. I bring one home, listen to it two times, then take notes on it and do the homework given. Really it's thearpy just like the 12 steps are thearpy to me. The main idea is changing the way I think. In some circles this is called cognative/behavioral therapy. Adam presents it rather simply. I go through life craving pleasure and trying to avoid pain and I go about it in a rather backwards manner. In counceling I have said things like, "The only way I can really understand true happiness is if I experience utter and total depravity," and "I act out with food, sex, and substances to keep myself grounded and stay humble." This past weekend I had a major slip and I have wanted to focus on all the negatives that surround it and not give myself the easy way out, and yet I always feel a sense of renewal when I do this. I attribute all the positive ways of thinking and progress I have made as a person to my darkest moments in life thus I attribute the extreme punishment I put my body, mind and spirit through as a means to the ulimate pleasure of appreciating life. This is a breakthrough thought for me. I have really thought this on some level but never had the words to put to it or have I felt the hope that I can change this destructive thought pattern. I honestly don't know how to move forward from this yet, but now I know that I must train myself to see that creating pleasure in my life will reap the ultimate pleasure of appreciating life on life's terms. What a task.

2007-03-19T14:56:00.000-07:00

And what to say. I have just bought a the HTML Dog book on line to be sent to my house. I like the idea of getting the same information but having it in a form that allows me to look away from the computer once in a while. I also have failed miserable to figure out how to create a business card design through google searches. More than likely I need to have a specific program, like a pagemaker or something, and it's time I invested in a 'h' portable drive? I don't remember what it is called. Victor told me about it and I am sure that if I asked the local Radio Shack guy (I know Radio Shack! The guy who helped me at the Lyndale Neighborhood store helped me a ton the last time I was there, and I love community!), so he's got my business. So, with this 'h' portable drive thing I get my stuff done at the Library which I prefer hands down. Why is this? Well, I like the time limit it gives me, I enjoy getting out of the house, and this way I walk more. All the same reasons why I enjoy taking the bus. It seems the "producing" a show thing for the Fringe is a no go. I would've have like to have done it and at the same time I like that it's not. Then again, it's not over until the April 1st deadline. I went on a retreat this weekend and I was so ready to come back home the second I got into my rides car. I can't explain how the "energy" was heavy and anxious and a whole jumble of, well, bad energy. I don't think anyone can ever explain a weird vibe. It was a tense weekend for me since I found it hard to engage those around me and I tried all viable approaches I know including just plain not trying so hard. lol I have an amazing Chiropractor who I feel is also like a life coach for the health of my body, mind and spirit (I am not sure if I already mentioned this) and today I even told him I am gay and he didn't blink. Now keep in mind I have been seeing this guy about two times a week, my body is a crazy mess right now, and we talk about almost everything vaugely, so I felt he needed to know. Hmmm.....what else. I am going to the Arty Party at the MIA this Friday. I got Victor to go with me as my "date" and as my good friend who will be sober during the party with me. I am not worried about the party and I am looking forward to how amazingly cool I know it will be.

OK, that's all for today and I will touch base later.

This a quick update

2007-03-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

I have about 16 minutes left on my computer time here at the Downtown Minneapolis Library. These past two months of recovery for the most part have been amazing. I did have about two days of set back (meaning old emotions and feelings not acting out), but the network I have been working on of program friends to call has helped me so much. I have turned things around, with the help of others listening, and have tried different approaches and it has worked.

Here is a quick list of some positive things going on.

1. I am no longer trying to make my voice heard at the LNA, instead I am getting to know the staff just for the people that they are.
2. I am going to develop a website for this comapny www.audioportrait.com and also am going to be initially be doing the start up for their marketing. I am going to be learning so much
3. I finally stepped into a temp agency, AppleOne, who works with Target, Olson Advertising, and other companies I have been looking at working for
4. I am going to a retreat this weekend with people from one of my meetings and that can only build relationships as far as I am concerened
5. I get to look for patio furniture for my building though the limit is $500
6. I am trying to organize a site specific show (BYOV) for the Fringe Festival this year which is the first couple of weeks in August. This way I get to make potentially more money for working for a considerably less amount of time. And if it does not pan out, then at least I tried and that is making me happy right now.

I am sure there is more, and I have no intention of adding anymore. I also am hopeful that I will have something to pay the bills soon while I work on the stuff I am loving.

2007-03-04T13:30:00.000-08:00

Today has been like a lot of others. Moments of cool contemplation, moments of dehydration, moments of sadness, moments with anxiety, moments of energy, and moments for the need to sleep. I am at a nap moment right now. I really want to take a nap because anytime I stare at a computer screen and try to think at the same time my vision gets blurry. I am trying to convert my building finances excel spreadsheet into a personal finace spread sheet, and I do not know all the formulas I need to know. At least I think I don't, because I can't get the desired outcome of taking my total balance and subtracting it from my expenses to keep a running talley of what is in my bank account after I enter new expenses information in. I am sure it's easy and I just got stuck and not able to see the simple solution. I may attempt to do it tomorrow, or even once again after I am done typing this.

As for the other moments, I do find that I really am a morning person once I get going. I enjoy getting things done before I ever get out the door. Having a sense of accomplishment as the start of the day is really nice. I made it to church today for an Education Class which is taught by this guy Chester. He and I have had conversations about religion and spirituality and I have enjoyed his point of view. Today's class starts a five class series about Atonment. The idea that Christ was the last sacrfice and no human, agricultural or animal sacrifice was ever needed again. It was interesting to me to be in a room full of people that tend to lean towards the "God is love" ideal and forget that there is elements in the fundamental traditions that are important to remember. Everyone needs to be challenged on what they believe so they may have the potential for deeper beliefs. I am looking forward to the classes

When I met up with Kristina, Sarah, Amy and Tim for breakfast after church, the enevitable question came up again when the talk came to me looking for work. "Have you thought about doing something that is involved with your degree?" People in my life seem to not grasp how hard it was for me to "walk away" from it. I finally feel I can incorporate what I have learned about the Deaf Community and apply it to basically any sub-culture group in the US. It brought back a flood of emotions and anxiety that I have not felt in a long time when asked that question. I guess that is part of recovery, it leaves me more vulnerable, but I do not collapse inside anymore or ignore it. I try to ask the question, "What is this feeling trying to teach me?" As long as I don't pick up and use or act out then the next day I have better clarity and understand. My perception of it for now it that going to college to be a Sign Language Interpreter was the last time I felt I have a clear direction in my life, that I had a lot of great, amazing resources to start a carreer, and I had motivation. After I lost all that, I floundered and thought I would never feel a sense of direction again. Well, unlike when the question was asked before, I now have direction and like where I feel my life is heading. This is the first time in 8 years I have felt this way, and to be reminded of how my life toppled on top of me where I thought I would NEVER have a happy thought or memory again is tough.

Writing this out now has helped me process though, as it always does, and I hope there is something in your life that you can relate to this situation and gain something from reading this.
Have a good day all.

I still have a chance

2007-02-12T15:38:00.000-08:00

I was never close to Bart; all I knew about him were my impressions. Like, at family get-togethers he would at least make a point to come up with a firm handshake, a smile, and a sincere, "How are ya?" Last week, at 37, Bart broke into his house that was on the market, took out a gun, and shot himself in the head.

"Let's remember the Bart that we knew and loved. The Bart that was always willing to lend a helping hand, always willing to have a smile ready, someone who cared about his family, and someone people saw endless potential in. Not the man overrun by addiction and depression these past two years."

Maybe I am making those exact words up, but it's in the spirit of what one of his sister's said. Bart's immediate family, children, co-workers and ex-wife sobbed while all present watched pictures flash on a wall. It was the Bart we wanted to remeber.

"Look at twinkle in his eyes. He had the most amazing smile."

I started thinking about my cousin Adam's funeral last year, and I felt my tears. There was no logical reason for Adam to jump off that Hospital parking ramp, or for Bart to put a gun to his head. Adam and Bart had loving, supportive, and caring, families, friends, and co-workers. Everyone who knew them appreciated them; and these people had to watch helplessly knowing they could not heal Adam or Bart's emotional pain. I understand Bart and Adam. I can feel alone even when surrounded by my friends. On some level, I am sure they thought ending their lives would benefit and lessen the pain of those they loved. It's twisted, but in the depths of desperation, reason is always the loser. To me, those at Bart's Funeral represented my group of friends, family, and co-workers wishing I had reached out. I imagined my spirit saying, "I am sorry for putting you through this." I weeped because of it.

There is more I am forgetting and more I could invent; the bottom line is I plan to be here and will work on my recovery without forgetting Adam or Bart's stories. They were men who cared about life, always tried to understand those around them, and seemed to have a positive attitude while the rest of the world complained. They encouraged others even when they didn't appreciate their value and worth. Fighting everyday to make it in the world, they decided to stop trying. Sometimes I want to stop trying. I want to start drinking again, doing drugs, using sex, anything to not feel the emotional pain I deal with daily. I'm an addict. Sobriety is my highest priority now, and though I wish I could have gotten to know Bart and Adam, I will keep on staying sober and improving myself because of them.

A lot on my plate

2007-02-09T11:40:00.000-08:00

Well, I have a lot on my plate as of late and it makes me stop to think, "Am I making things harder than they need to be? Am I putting more work into something than is needed or expected? Am I creating a busy atmosphere so I don't have to think as much about creating a positive life for myself?" Honestly, I am not sure how to answer those questions. There is a great logical response to how I am not doing those things.

I just got done having a session with my therapist. It's interesting how much I want those around me to understand what my intents are at all times and how worked up I get when I percieve they are not responding with respect. I raise my voice, my body gets tense, I have even broken down and started heaving as my emotions get the better of me. This is my greatest lesson to learn; I need to practise responding with respect and honesty. I need to give myself some slack too considering it's only really been a month and a half of sobriety and I have more experience covering up my hurts than I do in experssing them in a respectful way to others and myself. The mantra of, "How do I change myself and the way I react to the world? How do I learn to respect that peeople can only behave with the experiences they have been presented with? How do I respect that people are not me?" I think of all these things on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel very acomplished and that I am making progress and sometimes I revert to the behaviors I have already mentioned above.

I was told that doing the after-care for the treatment program I went to, 2525 Park Ave, is something that I need to do, or basically follow through on. I was upset when I found out that my councelor at the treatment program had contacted my therapist and basically made it out that I was the bad guy. I don't know. Maybe the councelor owned up to how he was a part of things too. Mentioning this bring me back to my original explanations. I don't know unless I ask him. I don't know if when I apologize for getting worked up that my councelor will own up to his part of it or if he will only consider me to be the one with something to change. And then I need to understand that I have to accept what he is able to give. I don't need to be his friend. I need to talk to him though if I am going to go to after-care. And all I can think about too is that it's another night of my time being eaten up by recovery. Actually when I put it that way there is never too much time spent on becoming the person I want to be.

And that's my post

-Jonathan

He is just so cute

2006-11-02T07:27:00.000-08:00

I asked my sister how their Halloween went. The response just has to be posted.

It was cute. Nolan was Davie Crocket. He was so funny because he didn't want us to pass out our candy to the kids. At one point he screamed No! and slammed the door on some kids! Also when we were out trick or treating all he wanted to do was get back home and check on how much of our candy was gone! He also didn't like it when other kids were at the same house as he was trying to get candy, He was yelling no, my candy! The last thing he would do was say trick or treat really loud like 5 times until the people came to the door and when they did he would just be quiet. You'll have to come next year, hopefully by the n he will over the everything is mine stage!
Have a great day!
(Signed my sister)

Benadryl

2006-09-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

So, this lady at work said they have Benadryl in our First Aid cabinent on the first floor. Well, I have not been breathing good lately and have felt sinus pressure, so I took one of the packets. It has two little red pills, and man do they pack a PUNCH. I feel so spacy right now...I would dare say this is what is must feel like to be high. I can feel that inside my body is fighting off the desire to lay down and sleep for hours. Lesson learned? No need to take two, eh?

An Enjoyable Yet "Anti-Social" Day

2006-06-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Duluno's. They have bluegrass on the weekends and I have always thought of organizing people to go, yet today it was just a fluke I was there. I slept in today. I didn't check my phone for messages from today and last night until about 5. I sat and watched the world cup. I have decided I really love the world cup. First, I did not realize that in the world of futbol (sp?) that the time clock does not count down; instead it counts from the zero minute on up. I bet that the generation coming up may be more interested in the sport since Quidich (once again sp?) from the Harry Potter books are in direct relation to this sport. AND I love that there are no stupid time outs, and replays, and everything else that makes American sports so annoying. Well not all the sports I guess, but Football and Basketball come to mind. The other thing I have been doing today is watching the Superman marathon on Boomarang. I did not realize this channel did not have commercials! I love it! And I have residcovered just how much I love the former WB networks anitmation. And then at about 7 or so I decided to walk into town, as I call it, and get myself a salad; instead I got myself a medium pizza and two pints of NewCastle. Both for very cheap. It was fun because I was chatting it up with the waitresses and the one waiter did not seem to like that. Also there was an abundance of Gay and Lesbian people there. Then again it is Pride weekend, and no I have not been doing anything for PRIDE and let me tell you I have been very content not wasting my time with it. :) I am not finishing off my pizza and about to watch some more of Superman since I recorded it on the DVR. I wish my life was always in this middle of the road place where I am not super over excited and not mildly depressed, but I think I have discovered the two things I need to give up to feel happier. It the same two things I do not have contact with when I am out of town and I always feel so much better about life then. If you want to know what they are...just ask :)

Hello!

2006-06-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

Long time no post. Here are some highlights.

When I was at my Parents, maybe a month ago, my sister and Nolan were also over. He always wants me to come with them when it's time for him to go. Since I was going to hitch a ride from my sister to the bus stop we could tell him, "Uncle Jon's coming." He was happy. Well my sister and I decided to drive the mini-van over and say goodbye to my mom. My brother and this woman he has been seeing off and on over some years, Sonya, and her kid were also there. Sonya saw Nolan and beelined it over because, like any mom, she loved any opportunity to have her kid socialize. Nolan saw little Amber, that's what we will call her, and started to fuss and wanted to get out of the car seat. "Help! Help! Cheri Cheri Help!" My mom got him out of his car seat and with a deep sincerity, as my mom headed down the street for Amber and Nolan to play he turned around and said, "Bye Jon!" So funny, and already so polite. :)

Nolan and I were playing the piano about a week ago at my mom's. I would play all the keys as artsy as I could, and then I would pause, only play two notes, and we would sing, "Jakey, Jakey. Jakey, Jakey." And the kid was on perfect pitch. Amazing!

I downloaded iTunes here at work. I love it. I don't own an iPod, yet. I am sure I won't be buying anyone anytime soon. What I really love about it though is that I can buy CD's on line and download it for cheaper than what the store would be. That and I can buy singles for only 99 cents. I am sure you all know about this, but do you remember how excited you once were?! :) Also, everyone at work who has iTunes downloaded can share their music, so I get to hear new bands, artists, etc. I have to admit I like my library best still. It's also a great way for people to really understand how I love anything good within the genre it's in.

I am having someone new moving into my place next week. I may have mentioned it before. Her name is Allysa and she will be staying in my place until the end of August.

I am sure there is more.

My cute little baby bat

2006-06-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

I was in the in-between stage of waking up Tuesday morning when I heard a thumping noise and felt my bed bounce, so I thought I had randomly hit my the bed with my arm, turned over, and I slept some more. Then I felt it again. The bounce. This time I turned my head to the left, opened my right eye, jumped out of my bed, arms flailing, and yelled like a startled girl . I thought it was a mouse and thought, "Great, like I need a mouse problem," and then it flew at me. Of course I didn't want to kill it once I realized it was a cute little baby bat and it seemed to be trying SO hard to get out. It flew around the room some more and then landed on the wall across from me, and then to the main window, and then back to my bed where for just a brief moment it turned upside down as if it wanted to fall asleep. I left the room trying to think of a plan to help it out without killing it, and nothing pleasant came to mind. I really didn't want touch it. I mean, what if it had rabies? The easiest thing to do would be to get one of the screens open and shoo it out. When I got back in the room it was on the big window screen and was trying to squeeze his way through the window. Well that would explain how he got in. Amazing. Then it decided to fly to another window and try, so I attempted to open up the screen on the big window , and I thought I had failed. Then I gave up. It flew back to the large screen, so I went and got a brown paper lunch bag and set it underneath it hoping it would crawl into the bag. That didn't work and soon it had stopped moving and was laying upside down and fell asleep. It must have been asleep because I realized I actually had gotten the screen to swing open enough to let the bat out, and when I tapped, then poked, and then vigoursly moved the screen which then piveted open. YEA! Except the cute little baby bat had no interest in waking up; it WAS daytime after all . I left the screen open and closed the window and am hoped it will be gone by the time I got home. He looked so cute sleeping all upside down and furry with it's beady nightvision eyes and his cute little talons looped so preciously around the mesh screen. "Good night Batty!" I thought about what I would do if Batty choose not to leave. Maybe I would keep yelling at it to "Shoo! Go away you dumb Bat! I barely have enough money to feed myself! Where would you sleep! You don't want to be in a cage. Don't LOOK at me like that!" Then I would start singing, "Dumb Bat, why are you following me..." cause I would just have to. Well, all my worry was for not for when I arrived home, Batty was gone. I will miss you Batty.

"Big Park!" or Run Dancing with Nolan

2006-05-25T09:15:00.001-07:00

Last night I got to hang out with Nolan and my mom. We went to Lake Harriet. I guess what I want to mention is not the time spent feeding the fish and ducks, or how goofy he was while we pushed him less than a fourth around the Lake, but rather how cute he was when we finally were going to make it to the "Big Park." He had been obsessing since he first saw it when we drove in, and then he was torn. You see, there was a dance recital going on at the Band Shell that distracted him. He heard the music and loved watching the people dance, and he would get lost in it until I would sit next to him and he would say, "Big Park!" I would then move out of view and he would be lost trancelike in watching the dancers again. Back and forth, "Big Park!", stare at the dancers, "Big Park!" stare at the dancers, and finally we let him loose to run up to the park. Then he found a compromise. As he was running to the park a club dance song came on and he ran/danced. Literally the combination of the two. So funny. Love that kid.

"Big Park!" or Run Dancing with Nolan

2006-05-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Last night I got to hang out with Nolan and my mom. We went to Lake Harriet. I guess what I want to mention is not the time spent feeding the fish and ducks, or how goofy he was while we pushed him less than a fourth around the Lake, but rather how cute he was when we finally were going to make it to the "Big Park." He had been obsessing since he first saw it when we drove in and then he was torn. You see, there was a dance recital going on at the Band Shell that distracted him. He heard the music and loved watching the people dance and would get lost in it until I would sit next to him and he would say, "Big Park!" I would then move out of view and he would be lost trancelike in watching the dancers. Back and forth, "Big Park!", stare at the dancers, "Big Park!" stare at the dancers, and finally we let him loose to run up to the park. Then he found a compromise. As he was running to the park a club dance song came on and he ran/danced. Literally the combination of the two. So funny. Love that kid.

The weekend trip

2006-05-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

I love Detroit. I know of no other city that has such a long history and has been through so many changes. No where else, that I know of, do you see beautifully well kept homes in an area that in their literal back yard are houses that are literally crumbling. It's a place where anything is possible because it can't get much worse. It has so much going for it too and a reputation to beat. They have an AMAZING Art Institue (the DIA) and is only going to get bigger and better. Being that during the Automobile boon in the 1920's the city has AMAZING architecture and some of those buildings are abandoned and some of them are being turned into condo's now. (they are a bit behind on the times) When a city was built for 2 million and now has a population of maybe 900,000 it's easy to see why some areas are ghost town. We drove through an area that used to be their China Town and there is nothing. The kiosk sign are still up, but the people left a long time ago. It's a city that people are proud of because they are the ones making it a better place to live. It's a battle and there is immense wealth surrounding it and finally people are waking up and investing in the city.

My last day was spent in Chicago on Sunday. I had a wonderful southern brunch at Wishbone with Anna, dropped off my bags at Dave's, and then went to the Lake to walk for an hour and then lay down on the sand listening to the waves. I then went to downtown Andersonville and had a delicious salmon salad at Charlie's and then booked it back to Dave's and we watched a movie and some TV. It was perfect.

I missed Minnesota though. I love my town. We have so much going on for us here and a great quality of life. I was happy to be home and am now. And as for the Mega Bus, I think I prefer flying hands down. I would use it again though if the price is right.

Leaving For Detroit Today

2006-05-04T06:56:00.000-07:00

So, today is the trip to Detroit. Well actually today is the trek/journey/"adventure" to Detroit. I will be taking the MegaBus and I am sure a lot of people will be interested in how my experience goes since it really is a handy way to get to Chicago. See, I ride to Chicago first then I crash at Dave's and then I go on to Detroit. I am more curious what the ride from Chicago to Detroit will be like than from Minneapolis to Chicago. It's nice that is will a straight shot though and not have to deal with stopping, stopping, and then stopping again. I am scheduled to be in at 11:30, but I am banking on being there earlier than that. I am excited to see Brian and Lisa and get to know their kids. I know the boy is Jackson, but right now I can't remember the baby girls name. I hope it's a girl. No matter! Brian is always a great tour guide because he likes to show off his city as much as I like to show off Minneapolis when I get the chance. I will probably be very sleep deprived on Monday since I am coming in at 6:15AM and I plan to work that day, so I probably won't be writing any time soon. And that's it.

A musical genius

2006-04-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

So, I am can't remember if I mentioned that I bought a harmonica for Nolan. I brought it with me to the Easter family breakfast and there was too much going on for him to really get into it. At least that is what I told myself. My sister is the best though. She called me last Thursday and asked, "Are you working?" and I said no. "Well listen to this." And I could hear the harmonica going in the background. My sister said he had gone to his toy closet and went straight for it, took it out, and then asked her to show him how to make it work. Of course she is proud of him since he is only two and learned how to do it. I told her, "You like it now, but if he really gets into playing it you will hate me later." :)

With my Dad, Brother and Me

2006-04-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

Tuesday I went to a baseball game with my Father and Brother. I can't even tell you the last time I remember my three of us guys just doing something. I have to admit it was an amazing, positive experience. My dad was over hyper and excited and it was cute. My brother actually was rolling his eyes and smiling at him too and making the situation calmer in his own way. I am not sure if I have mentioned this before, but my mom and I went to these classes about Mental Illness at some church when I was in maybe 10th grade. It was there that I learned that often times there is a role reversal with siblings who are mentally ill. A light bulb went off and I realized it was really true, or at least I had been behaving as such with my brother. I have heard that the youngest is the jokester of the family usually while the oldest is the serious keep everyone in line super responsible one. I definitely have not been the jokester around my family while my brother has and it my brother used to remind me all the time that he was "four years older than you." I have learned to accept my father and love him just for how he is and for how he does his best to get by in the world. I know that he means well and has a very sensitive heart and I get him because we are very similar. My brother on the other hand I have always never been able to let go of being "older brother" simply because I never knew how his behavior would be and how rational he would be thinking any particular day. It has been so amazing lately to be around him. It has been a good 6 months that he has been really someone I can talk to. I almost don't know how to react, but it really feels good. At the game he made me laugh, I mean seriously laugh. I don't know the last time that happened for me. After the game I told him how to get back to my place and he did not argue with me and actually just listened and took my advice, assessed it, and drove me home without me fearing getting stuck. Come to think of it after Adam's Funeral he let me drive his car. Maybe these things seem like not a big deal, but with my brother they are milestone. This is getting long, but I really wanted to express how nice it was to just interact with my brother. I felt like I really had a brother. I don't even remember when I had that feeling last.

Truth is Funnier Than Fiction

2006-04-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

I was walking Nicollet Mall after I got off the 10C bus at about 5pm on Wednesday and noticed a Golden Retriever with a dead squirrel in it's mouth up ahead. The whole squirrel mind you, head, fuzzy tail, stubby legs, the whole thing. The owner had the dog on a leash and didn't seem to care. I thought this was odd so I kept looking and noticed the owner was holding something in his hand. At first glance I thought it was a camera. The owner was some artsy, weirdo, guy and was trying to get his dog to pose for a picture, and then, as I got closer, I realized it was a harness. It was the harness of a seeing eye dog and the owner was blind. Seeing eye dogs are only on duty when their harness is on, so the off duty dog must had just picked up the road kill and the owner hadn't realized it yet. THE OWNER WAS BLIND! Hilarious. Oh, life is priceless sometimes.

Reflections On My Trip to Chicago

2006-04-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

I really didn't want to go. The day before, when I picked out my art, I found out that Anna had been in town the past weekend and she didn't even contact me. I was angry. When Anna and I met at the Silver Cloud on Saturday, in the Bucktown neighboorhood, it was like old times. We cleared the air and enjoyed the hour and a half of time we had together. I only spent Friday night hanging out with Dave and we watched coupling and had a bit of wine. When I was texting David, before I even left on my flight to Chicago, one of the first things he asked was, "So, what are you drinking now-a-days? I will go pick something up." I responded, "I am really not drinking anything. Wine is always good though." I was cautious of how close Dave got to me as we were searching for the website of Karen Wilcox, when he was trying to pour me more wine, and especially when his head was close to my lap when he changed postions on the couch while watching coupling. I did not visit Josh. My theory is that since I was not around things that could remind me of him I was less apt to be reminded of him. Here it really is a daily random thing that will spark a happy memory that makes me sad. My focus in Chicago was exploring. I love exploring and the city is massive. If you are in downtown Minneapolis you can walk both the length and the width in about a half hour. I walked home the other day from Hennepin and Washington in 50 minutes that is how small this city is. One of my favorite things to do was just walking. I walked by the new condo's going up and the beautiful walkways and fountains being installed in downtown Chicago. I walked on the Chicago River Walk and looked at the architecture that one usually pays a ferry fee for. I walked in Andersonville before I went to see 'Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind" and loved how it was an area in transition. It has not been fully yuppified yet and if you walk far enough there are still bars on the windows and gates with locks in front of the doors. I loved driving down Lawerence Avenue and seeing how there were stores with some sort of Asian, or Hebrew like words for most of the shops and yet everyone walking around in the neighboorhood was Mexican. It was my favorite thing this trip to get lost and discover things and it made me realize just how vast Chicago is.

Yesterday was my last day and the most warm. Near my hotel was the Busse Forrest Preserve. I had rented a car for this trip, so I drove down to the first parking area and realized why Elk Grove Park is an appropiate name for the town. They actually have a "heard" of Elk. Really it's a zoo area where you can walk up to the fence and the Elk come up and let you pet their noses. I decided to walk around the trail. I stopped a random woman and asked how to get to the lakes I had seen on the park map and she said, "You will run into them. Just keep vering to the right. It's about a two hour walk and it's really nice." I walked, and walked, and walked, and it was great. I love walking, my ass feels great right now from all the walking I did this weekend. I then drove to the Botanic Gardens, and I am sure glad I did not drop $12 on parking. When that place is in full bloom, and everthing is open, and the water in the Japenese Garden is flowing I would imagine it is very impressive. I then decided I would drive down to see the show I had planned to see on Friday ("Too Much Light") which brought me to Andersonville. Dave lives in the area so I thought I would invite him to come out and join me, but he was hanging with a friend. "I will call you when we are done and maybe we can get a drink or something." It was here that I saw something that reminded me of Josh which was the bookstore we had seen "Harry and the Potters" last year in July with Eric, Allegra, Chris, and Karen. No missing of him though :) So, I stopped into a cafe that said they had ice cream and ended up getting myself a slice of yummy chocolate chip cheese cake with a chocolate cookie base. I had 'The Davinci Code' with me that I had bought in the MSP airport before I left for Chicago and read for a bit. The chapters are too damn short. That had to be said, and that said, I then went to Charlies bar and restaraunt which I had noticed had a lot of the gays. (Oh and that said, it was interesting to be in a neighboorhood seeing so many of the gays everywhere after not be in that environment the whole trip) I had a beer and read my book, tried to flirt with the guy ordering take out, watched the golf that was on TV and decided to walk some. I walked by two cememtaries one that was gated and one that was brick walled off. blah blah blah. I then got to the show. I usually go into things with no expectations, but I had heard rave reviews so I was expecting something I had never seen before. Honestly that did not happen, though I did laugh a lot and ponder a lot. It was scetch improve show that sometimes included serious poems and other written stories. I only had to pay $8 and it was the only thing I had paid for all day entertainment wise. I decided since I had not heard from Dave, and honestly I assumed he would flake on me anyway, I decided to head to boys town cause I wanted to go to Gentry. Gentry is a piano bar that Frank, Victor, Anna and I had a blast at once upon a time. This was the only time my heart raced because Josh works at Spin which is at the beginning of boys town and I was parking on Belmont. I decided I would turn one block before Halsted so I would not walk by Spin. Once I got into Gentry I had a great time. I sat at the bar and a very drunk older gentlemen intrduced himself and then introduced me to the small group of people there. I had so much fun. Everyone was there to be entertained and the pianist and the perfomer did not dissapoint. The older gentlemen told me of the history of Halsted and how he was around before Boystown existed, and how Minneapolis used to have a bath house, and how he was in Minneapolis' first Pride Parade. Basically reminding me that even though there is a long way to go for gay rights and such, we need to not forget those who have paved the way for our lives today. There was a guy that I fancied and after the older gentlemen left and the guy I decided to make eye contact and say hi to him on his way to the bathroom. He was interested, so he stopped and chatted on his way back to his seat. Who knew? He currently lives in Minneapolis, not far from me actually, and is moving to Chicago in 5 weeks. What luck, but we have plans to hang out on Wednesday. We might do the "Cheap Date Night" thing at Bryant Lake Bowl.

I Bought Original Art Finally

2006-04-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

It has been years and years and years since I first told myself I was going to buy myself a piece of original art. Well now I will have three small pieces. The artist is Karen Wilcox,www.karenwilcox-studio.com , I honestly love every piece that she has on the website and they were even better in person. I usually don't connect that strongly with any artist. The pieces are 7"x5" and framed. They cost me $100 a piece and I could not be happier. No buyers regret, and they can only go up in value in my opinion. I mean she has shown in New York and has shows in galleries all the time! I better remember the names of the paintings :) Maybe I will write them on the back or something, and if she does not sign things usually I will have her sign the back too. Like I would sell them, but it's always nice to know you have something that will increase in value the longer you don't sell it :) This really off-sets my not so wonderful feelings about deal with things in Chicago and so off I go! And here are pictures of the paintings. The first one is "Allysa", the second is "Tatayan" and the third is "Scarf." I hope some of you get to see them in person some day. Thanks to Ron for wanting to go to the First Thursday event at the Northrup Buidling, and thanks to Victor for driving!

I Can't Go, I'm Washing My Hair That Night

2006-04-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

So, Ron, Victor and I are coordinating our Thursday outing to the 'First Thursday' event in NE via e-mail. Ron also asked if anyone would like to go on a Water Tower hunt with him on Sunday. It has been decided that I WILL be going to the Chicago area so that counts me out, and Victor replied that he had to 'help his brother move some furnitue.' So I came back with, "yea...really I am washing my hair that night, but I thought it would be a lame excuse," and so Victor replies as follows. I love my friends.

She asks me why
I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night
Hair that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low
Don't ask me why
Don't know
It's not for lack of break
Like the Grateful Dead
Darling

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!

Oh say can you see
My eyes if you can
Then my hair's too short

Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself

They'll be ga ga at the go go
When they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond
Brilliantined
Biblical hair

My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my mother love me?

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

"Jonathan Howard"
04/04/2006 10:11 AM
To
cc "Rosenow, Ronald $FO$"
Subject RE: THURSDAY CONFIRMATION

I don't think I want to go to Chicago

2006-03-29T08:02:00.000-08:00

I think I have found a sneaky way that I can still write my Blog here at work. Sure maybe the IT people may read this, but I am sure if they really wanted to they could have found my Blog site if they wanted to. Hell, my sister did. : ) So, I am writing this on my work e-mail so if the spies start looking over my shoulder, as they do, I will be alright. How are they to know if I am writing something for a work related thing or if I am doing something "personal." I mean we all do things at work that help us maintain our sanity throughout the day. This is a benefit to the company really. I do better work by expressing myself. Let me hear a "hoo haa" two times Tuesdays!

Let me say real quick the thing that has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't want to go to Chicago. I already have a plan ticket, got a super cheap hotel and a super cheap rental car. The Hotel is in Oak Grove Village (I know I never heard of it either) which I found out, through research, is right by this huge Forest Preserve called Busse Park. It has a herd of Elk even that roams it. I thought I could also take a trip over to the Botanic Gardens because I hear it's beautiful. It's not that far of a drive and is free! It's just the parking is $12. I laughed when I read that it was free to get in but you have to pay to park. On the bus, here at home, I ended up riding with my downstairs neighbor Joe and we briefly talked about Chicago and he said Amanda, the condo owner - he lives with her, and went to the Chicago Institute of Art. That reminded me I never spent as much time as I wanted to there and I would love to just spend a few hours in the Impressionist exhibit. There is so much to do and see in Chicago, but when you have never traveled on your own before, a good friend isn't talking to you at the moment, you know you will feel the need to stop in to your EX's work because, "It's just in my personality. I can't just go somewhere and know someone I care about is there and just not stop in to say hi. I even do that for people I don't like that much or at all.... when the trip was never meant to be about that; and then there is the other EX who I want to make sure no hanky panky happens with, but know I would have fun hanging out with if they don't flake out, well it kind of gets me down on a daily basis. I have told friends, "It's just money, and it's already gone so it does not affect my finances anymore really, so I can always just not go." I bought the airplane ticket so I would not avoid Chicago because Josh lives there, and now I have lost a piece of my support network because, well, frankly I used up every last piece they had for me. I could go on forever about this because I really do at some point in the day think about the trip and dread it. Sometimes I perk up and think of the cool things I could do which happens when I research things.

Well, let's see how this works posting this on the blog now.

One step forward

2006-03-20T06:15:00.000-08:00

It was a good long day yesterday. My mom showed up at my house at 9:15 and so we had enough time before we went to Park Methodist church since the service started at 10. For some reason my mom and I always think the service starts at 9:30. It was perfect though because we went up to Gigi's and I had some Bacon, Egg, Tart (as they like to call Quiche there) which was wonderful and I bought my mom a muffin even though she didn't want anything. We had some good though somewhat sad conversation since I go more info on my cousin and how the reason we were asked not to talk about it was because we really don't know how he died. It more than likely was not suicide. Well, we arrived at church right on time and I noticed the sister of my former friend Jacob, Hanna, helping with vocals for the worship. She had AMAZING vocals. Going to Park Methodist is always interesting since I know people through other aspects of life that are involved with the music there and stories about them that would make the "godly" cringe, and yet they are moved and feel the pressence of God while worshiping. I loved it all, the music, joking with my mom, the introducing of new memebers where one of them took the microphone and started speaking only in French. Only in French! I originally thought that I was not understanding his accent and then the pastor explained what was happenening and then the Music Leader/piano player, who is French, translated. I love Park Methodist, too bad the pastor is leaving in June. (I forgot to mention that I really loved that the pastor used a line from the movie Saved! during his sermon and gave credit for it in code. The line? When Mandy Moore's charector threw a bible at her pregnet friend and screams, "I am full of the love of Christ!"

We made it back to my parents and had some really amazing chicken sandwhiches my mom made, and we had onion rings too. YUMMY! Then was the trip to Dairy Queen with my dad. He really is becoming an older man and it's always so apparent when we go out to a restraunt of any kind. So cute though too. YUMMY again! We made it back home before Paul got to the house and had time to watch an hour of this foreign film my dad recently bought. Also very good. By the time it was done I was ready to get on the bus and go home or swim. I actualy did go swimming, and went to the Wilde Roast for some soup, and then met up with a friend at the BullDog and played some darts and actually won! That never happens. The best part? Running into a trick from a few weeks back (I hide under his bed and we STILL messed around...I was very trashed. Yea, I know. Trust me I am just hoping being more honest on here will keep me more accountable for who I want to be in life) and him saying, "Jonathan Howard!" and I was so shocked I drew a blank on his name. He is as handsome and slightly queeny as I remember him, and oh course he was part of the group of people that my friend was just meeting for the first time. The best part is I think I made a good impression this time around since I was still fun while sober and I would not mind being in contact with him in general.

Well, that's about all there is, I did get to have a green beer last night and I did have some beer on Saturday and I was responsible both nights. I just wonder sometimes if the best thing for me to do is try to stop everything cold turkey cause it then seems I break down and abuse things. Always a theory.

It's easier to be unhealthy

2006-03-18T07:03:00.000-08:00

Every couple of weeks I reasses and realize that I am still not being the healthy man I need to be. I don't go to the gym, I call up my friends to plan to hang out only to cancel or just not even contact them. I choose to sleep over reading and if I give up sex one week then it's replaces with food the next and if it's not food then it's spending too much time in front of the TV or computer. I even slip into drinking still which I did this past week since I was going to be done with sex and food and try to find healthier things to do. So why is it so hard to do what is healthy? Right now I am feeling spacey since I skipped work and my medication yesterday, and thus I slept all day yesterday and then this morning I got a call from my mom with some horrible news. Someone the family knows committed suicide. The worst part is the news could have been about me a year ago and now I really am still not back to where I was before I started to date Josh. And what's with me holding onto Josh so badly that I have sacrificed family and friends and really it has nothing to do with Josh. Really it doesn't. I feel sorry for the guy. So that leaves me with me and how do I get healthier. Basically, it's that the healthy things are foreign to me now and will take a lot of work to achieve. I know what the text books say and I know it's true, it's tough, it's work, it feels so wrong because I have been used to being destructive in a way to myself for so long.

No for those of you who read this I don't want you to think that I never do healthy things, that I never take care of myself, that I am still secretly unhappy all the time. I am really in a better place and if I appear like I am having fun while you are with me..I really am. You see you get to be a part of a moment that I really am doing what I need to do to be less destructive, I am having fun with you. And i have really good weeks and then I slip a little. The goal is to just have a healthy lifestyle and not beat myself up when and if I do slip. :)

I thought I should be honest and so here it all is. I must admit getting the news this morning helps put things into perspective.

Hmmmmmm

2006-03-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post something since it has been a bit. I have been thinking that maybe I should try to write little stories like I used to instead of these 'journal' like entries. Well, maybe a little story will come later. Really it's just that I want to become a better writer and the more one writes the better one gets, I think. I guess I don't feel all that inspired to write at this moment, but I will try to come up with something by next Monday :)

2006-03-01T06:56:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday was Fat Tuesday/Mardi Gras and HGA had a little bit of decorating contests and lots and lots of food. I was beaming all day because of the energy that this place lacks lately. It was all the new people, those here less than a year, who really got into it. Good, good times.

Yesterday

2006-02-21T15:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a good day. I refinaced the 20% or my 80/20 loan for my place and got a fixed rate of 7.25% for 15 years. This means my payments will be $311 a month. This is great because my original loan was interest only and the payments will exceed $311 very soon. I also watched 'The Sixth Sense" and fell in love with it again; even though I did cover up my heade with a pillow from time to time. It's not so much that anything was all that gross or scary in the movie; it's the scary music that makes me cover my eyes. And then, most importantly, I was finally able to get ahold of my sister. We sat and talked for the first hour about the craziness of her job working at this tile distributer. This company actually sends samples to HGA and so it was fun to actually have a point of reference, and an experience that one only gets when somehow involved with the constructoin buisness. It was odd that I barely talked and she said, "so is there anything else really to cover?" Odd. Then we talked about what happened that Saturday not so long ago when the cops were called and my brother-in-law and mother got to see me pretty much trashed. First I found out that she found the blog site and has been current in my life which explains why she didn't need any catching up. :) Then we talked about my misconceptions and things she has wanted to share for a long time. 29 has been quite the messed up year for me. I have basically managed to offend and displace everyone that means a lot to me, some to the point of not being able to talk to me anymore, by wearing them down with my self created drama. Will 30 be a better year? I think there is no way it's can't. In fact I really feel it will be one of my best years yet simply because I know I plan to put more effort in my family and they with me. It's a good feeling.

Joy is such a great sister (wink) :)

The Car Saga Ends

2006-02-15T06:52:00.000-08:00

TCSE. It has all been settled now. I will be getting a check for $3,100 as soon as I send in my title to the insurance company. The $3,100 includes the $2,900 that I am getting for the car and also money for the taxes I will have on it and the title transfer fee. I do not have to pay for my car being towed, the ticket I got, or the fees the city charges per day as they hold ones car. I went to the impound lot yesterday and signed a release for Western National Insurance, the guy who hit me's insurance, to take it away. It has tons of junk in it, and I wonder if they will notice, and I hope I don't miss the junk. I don't even remember what was in the car.

I still plan to go without a car. When I called to get my Uncle David's work number again, the tax situation is still not taken care of, my dad questioned if I really could go without a car. As I suspected, the only reason they are concerned about me not having a car is that it means I can't just hop in my car and visit them at any given notice. Really there is no good reason for me to need a car, and they will just have to learn to come out and see me. :) I will see how long I last, but let me tell you I would rather travel with money that would be spent on car maintanence.

And finally, I bought myself a ticket to go to Chicago leaving April 7th at night and returning April 10th by 10:30 so I can be into work at noon. I am happy I did this because now I am committed to going. Now I need to do the same thing for my friends in San Diego and Detroit.

Car Update and other misc. things

2006-02-14T06:43:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I have been trying to work with the insurance company of the person that hit me. They have been alright and have sent out someone to look at it last week. And thank god they at least got that done because yesterday I noticed it was gone. My car. Yes, my car is gone. I can only assume the city towed it. Now what? I am not sure. I called the insurance people after I got inside and left a voice mail and plan to call again around 1 or so if I don't hear from them. I intend to find out if they are considering the car a total, and if not then I want them to have to pay for getting it out of the city pound and towing it to a place to be "fixed." I mean with the way this has turned out I can't donate the car. That would have been a very nice tax credit for next year.

And on the Taxes note, I fucked up. I already did my taxes and have recieved the return already, but I failed to claim 7,699 dollars of interest. Yea, I know. How is that even possible? Well, I guess when I saw the link at CityWide Bank to electronically get your online end of year tax statement I didn't notice both loans weren't on there. I have the 80/20 loan so I only claimed the interest on the 20 part. Man! So, I called my Uncle David, he is a tax man, and told him about it. I also let him know that I did not claim the income that I got from my renters, and that possibly I had $2,000 total of medical bills. I am too lazy to get everything together for the medical bills stuff though. He left me a message to call him from 5-8 so we can chat. I tell ya, at least this kind of stuff makes you realize you are alive. :)

Oh, and I am going to Houston, Texas to visit my friend with benefits Rich this weekend. He is paying the $100 to get me there and I am going to buy him dinner at some point. Should be a pretty even trade actually. I hopefully leave Thursday night and come back Monday morning.

AND HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINES DAY!

My answer to this week's Office Question

2006-02-13T08:16:00.000-08:00

We have an intranet site called HIP here at work. Lately, everyweek they pose a different question for people to answer. I always have the time and tend to answer the question.

The Question:
Describe a personal brush with celebrity. Any celebrity - local,A-list,D-list,etc.

My Answer:
When I worked for the State Theatre box, Grease was playing, and that guy from Chips, you know Paunch, was playing the lead guy. Paunch decided to pay us a special treat during the run, and maybe surprise a fan too. It was all so desperate and sad.

Cute Boy on the Bus

2006-02-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

The title is a teaser because the story to follow has to do with an actual boy of 5. The first time I saw this guy he leapt unto the bus and then he scanned the bus for a place to sit. In the back of the bus is bench like seating, and he choose to go back there. He moved with determination and then used my leg as a means to get himself up onto the cushion. I was sitting on the bench as well. Super cute kid. His mom came behind him. She is one of those punk like, black haired, army jacket kind of people and her kid is one of those dirty, marker still on the hands from the day before, kinds. Very typical of Uptown. Before he got off the bus that day he said, "My name is Nicholos (something or other)" like they teach kids to do in case they get lost. If it were me I would have said, "My name is Jonathan Howard and I live at...."

This morning, I ran into one of the counter ladys, Nichole, who works at the North West Athletic Club at the Arena club. She's a riot. We were chatting as the bus moved along and then at 31st and Bryant. I saw the mom running full speed to catch the bus and the little one lagging behind doing the best he could. When they got on I told Nichole, "See that kid? He is going to head staight back here and sit right here." I was sitting on the "bench" again and there was an empty seat inbetween me and the really cute/handsome/great smile gay guy who was wearing his gray slippers. The gay guy is really good looking, hope I get to flirt with him again, but I am getting ahead of myself. So the kid did exactly what I said and Nichole just laughed. I decided to introduce myself to him since I have seen him a few times on the bus by now. His name is Nicholos. Nichole, Nikki (that's his mom's name I found out), Nicholos and I let him entertain us. I asked him questions and he answered with what would be considered brutal honesty, if he was in his teens, and the kid has an amazing smile. I guess he is moving to Duluth in a couple of weeks which is too bad since I would have liked to get to know him more. The bus was at their stop and they stood up to go. He was basically to the door and then said, "Oh!" ran back and said, "Hug" and when he got to me opened up his arms and hugged me, and I hugged him back. I love kids.

Oh, and the really good looking guy with the slippers? I took full advantage of my opportunity of him seeing me interact with the kid and the fact that I could say, "So, are you wearing slippers?" He had a cute smile too, and everything thing physical I like about a guy. He was wearing his slippers, and he was going to the UofM and planned to wear them while at school. I will find out his name, and now I have a real good reason to make sure I catch the early bus :)

The Orchid Has Bloomed

2006-02-07T09:10:00.000-08:00

I really wanted to have a picture of what it looks like on here, but oh well. All I know is that around this time last year I put my name in the drawing to win it. Every couple of weeks a new Orchid is placed in the main entrance of HGA and I always had wanted one. The thing is that when I won it last year my mood was so horrible I didn't even care and for the longest time about it. I left it in my old suprevisors work space, so I could see the plant but didn't care about it like so many other things in my life at that time. When I started getting better I decided to take it home. It has been sitting on top of a slabe of bluish, gray, marble that is on top of my radiator in my dining area. It grew new leaves (and the leaves are huge on my plant)and I would say a couple of months ago a shoot grew that I tied to one of the bamboo sticks, and then the buds started to form and just yesterday they opened up. This makes me so happy. I love that I tried to find a picture of the kind of I on line and realized there are TONS of varieties. What I love best is how cultish it is to own and grow Orchids and all the delicate care, and specific conditions, it takes to grow these guys. In my opinion this all just randomly happened for me. If I would have tried it would never have worked I am sure. Now I need to decided if I put it in the middle of my table or leave it by the window since it seems another shoot may be sprouting. Still, I love it. I have always wanted this and who knows if it will happen again next year.

And here's the update

2006-02-06T15:42:00.000-08:00

I got the police report, which cost me 25 cents, and here is how it reads.

Unit #1 stated due to the amount of medication he is on his judgment was impaired. Driver stated he was N/B on Lyndale when all of a sudden he hit unit 2 (which is my car), unit 3, unit 4 before rolling over. NFI. (does that mean No Fault insurance?) Driver of Unit 1 was given a blue card and blue cards were left on the hit motor vehicles.

The report also states that this happened at 8AM on Saturday morning which means I slept through it. I find that hard to believe, but I did. Hmmmmm. I contacted Western Insurance and got the claim number and left a message with Josh. Josh the claims guy not that Josh :) I am still torn if I should report this to my insurance company or not. This also means that maybe the decision of not having a car has been made for me :) We shall see. Currently I am sitting in the Saloon so I can use their free internet. Does anyone else know of other places to get free internet downtown? As soon as the Library is done...oh wait...I could have gone there anyway...they have temporary location in the old federal reserve building...oh well.
Advice on if I should call my insurance people or not would be appreciated.

Karma is a Bitch

2006-02-06T08:46:00.000-08:00

So, after a delightful morning of freezing my feet and feeling invigorated watching The Midget Girls and Boys speed skate, Victor and I had some amazing potato pancakes at Perkins. Victor and I were in good form with friendship vibes hmmming and conversation flowing. I love just trying out things like watching a junior speed skating tournament with my friends Victor and Ron (Ron don't move! We have a such a good thing going). Victor drove, so he dropped me back off at home and we said our goodbyes and I beelined it upstairs and into the bathroom. Then the door buzzes. DAMN! I guess it might be Victor, and I don't believe in talking whilst in the bathroom on the phone, so I texted him, "Did you just buzz the door?" "Yes" "Ok I will be down in just a little bit" "Ok" I get downstairs and Victor is standing outside in the cold instead of in the little foyer area by the mailboxes. "Your car has been hit and there is a note on your windshield." I let him know I would check it out, and honestly I was planning out checking it out later, but I got the sense that Victor was not giong to head off yet. So, I put back on my shoes and jacket and walked with Victor to my car. Now I wish I had a digital camera because a picture would be so much better. My driver side bumper is completely gone with the wire that was attached to the tail light dangling lifelessly. The frame is caved in with the tire off the axel at a 45 degree angle and flat. Then it gets artistic. The gas gage is scrapped up into a peak that an ant could ski jump off of and a pile of fill up the gaping dent that goes until the driver side door for it to land in. Don't believe me? Ask Victor (maybe I should insert his number here so everyone can call him. I know bad joke.) The car is not drivable.

So, the family knows and some friends know, and I did have a blue card on my front windshield that tells me my police report number. I know there was an accident, but I don't know what happened yet. I also don't know if there is any insurance on the end of the person who hit my car. I am going to get the police report today on the way to my doctor appointment and find out. I honestly think the cosmos needed to ground me for a bit. :)

Lotion

2006-02-02T11:05:00.000-08:00

I have been using Derma Fleur, Moisturizing Skin Conditioner, lotion for my lips today becuase they are so dry. I have a Aveda lip balm, or whatever, somewhere. Who knows where it is though. And the Derma Fleur works just fine it seems. So my question is, why are there serperate lotions for your lips as compared to the rest of ones skin? I mean the part of the lips that gets dry is the thin layer of skin on them right?

No, not even a social drink

2006-02-02T08:13:00.000-08:00

I have decided I must be dry. Even just a social drink with friends, even when I can have just one and be done, eventually turns into a drinking binge and bad things happen. I already did this earlier for 2 months and found I did not miss it, but then felt the need to be social. Bad things happen in my life when I drink. Though sometimes they have a positive outcome. We'll see. This time with my brother-in-law and mom coming over and all the stuff I purged out of me, and the fact that I told my brother I am gay, may prove to be a good thing. Then again my first major depression proved to be a positive thing for me too and still it was no fun for me or my family. Ok, enough said. I am dry and will be till I die. And I am friendly enough to still have fun I think :)

From Zero To Drama in Less Than 60 Seconds

2006-01-31T10:45:00.000-08:00

Has anyone figured out how I am capable of doing this yet?

About this Weekend

2006-01-31T06:33:00.000-08:00

There is nothing I can say. Let this be an open forum for my friends for this past weekend. I would appreciate your comments anonymous or not.

ok..I just wrote a bit to my friend on line. Seems appropiate to post this. Remember I believe in the truth...even if it hurts I would rather learn from my friends.

kindarandom_now: hey, if you want to hang tonight that is cool....Chris and anyone else is welcome too.
kindarandom_now: Man, I was seriously alright
kindarandom_now: and my friends have the right to be pissed at me
kindarandom_now: really I was using the situtation as a means to manipulate Josh and I was drunk and I choose my words poorly.
kindarandom_now: my mom called the cops on me
kindarandom_now: and I talked to them
kindarandom_now: and then my mom and brother-in-law came over and I let everything out that I have been feeling for so long....of course it did not help that I was drunk.
kindarandom_now: it was a real wake up call (but how many of those have I had this year, eh?)
kindarandom_now: I really don't even want to face my friends right now...but there will never be a good time.
emhuptown: Hey man, you have nothing to worry about for the friends who care about you. We were all just really concerned!
kindarandom_now: well like I told Mark...you can only cry wolf so much
kindarandom_now: and I am getting to the point where my friends will just be like...I am tired of trying...that is what happened with Josh.
emhuptown: Tonight will be fine. How about Figlio happy hour at 10
kindarandom_now: that is fine
kindarandom_now: I will meet you there tonight to just hang out.
emhuptown: sounds good
kindarandom_now: you basically got the story right now though.
kindarandom_now: I am going to post a bit of what i just said on my blog because I wanted to make a comment but did not know what to write.

It's only 9AM

2006-01-27T09:02:00.000-08:00

What the hell am I going to do for the rest of my day?

My initial thoughts on Astrology

2006-01-20T10:38:00.000-08:00

All I have to say is that I wish I had done my astrology homework before I got into my last relationship and I wish he had done his on me too :) If so, I think we both would have understood each others quirks from the get go instead of having to try to figure them out. Now I understand that ones sun sign, and moon sign, and rising sign, and yawning sign *wink* really make up the framework of who we are, yet life situations helps us get to either the healthiest or most destructive side of that framework. In other words we all have the potential to rise above those things we wish we could change about ourselves, and yet realize that we don't have to beat ourselves up over our innate nature. I challenge you to read multiple web sites and books on this subject and you will be amazed on how accurate it is about you, and those you have dated in the past, friends from the past or those currently in your life. My worldview has become such where I will not ignore the wisdom of those before us and there has to be truth to something that has been around for thousands of years. Even when you look at Chinese Astrology you realize that the descriptions match up profoundly.

Astrology is a science. The brief overview of the history of Astrology found at http://www.starlightastrology.com/astrointro.htm states,"Ptolemy wrote the first modern Astrology textbook and worked from about 150-180 AD establishing the heart and soul of Astrology, which has not changed much in the way it is practiced in the West today. Astrology gave birth to the sciences of Medicine and Astronomy. For more than 2000 years and up until the 18th century, Astrology and Astronomy were the same science. You had to be educated in Astrology to become a Doctor and it was a regular course of study for Doctors during that time. Astrology and Astronomy were practiced as the same up until about 300 years ago when Uranus and Neptune were discovered. At that time, Astronomy and Astrology parted ways due to rationalism."
One may say that all of those descriptions are just generic and if you read other descriptions of other signs you will say to yourself, "oh my god that's just like me!" People think it's like when you read a psychology book and suddenly you think you have ever disorder it describes. Like I said earlier though, take the time to look up old ex's and old friends and current people in your life and maybe you will finally understand how to best get along with them, move on, etc. You may even finally be able to understand yourself a bit more too.

I have met many tortured Taurus' who understand just how much more they could be doing in life because of our greatest weakness which, as I have said before, of course is also our greatest strength as well. Realism. We are realistic people. Everyone in our lives tell us that we are too hard on ourselves. I have told people all my life that I am not hard on myself I am realistic. It was amazing to read over and over again, almost verbratum, how we as Taurus know what their full potential could be at all times. I am not saying it's a healthy thing to just accept ones shortcomings and then sit by the side and let life slip by, but I am saying that at least I can feel it is something I can per say control and work on.

Wisdom happens around us everyday in every moment it's just up to us to be open enough to see it.

Here is one more site to check out. http://www.astro.com/

There is so much more I could say (alright maybe really like a few statements here and there) but long entries equals hard times for reading for ADD like people such as myself :)

Priceless : )

2006-01-17T09:44:00.000-08:00

If you live in Minneapolis, you have noticed the dramatic increase of people asking for money via holding signs telling their full story of impossible sadness on a body lenth piece of cardboard. "Anything you can do to help would be appreciated," is usually the last line. Every major busy entrance/exit of the freeways has at least someone working both sides, and sometimes you notice they are working in teams. The amazing thing is that people are still doing this in the bitter cold of a winter morning or evening. There is usually someone standing by the last light just before Lyndale and Hennepin converge on my way to work, and the new guy's sign with huge, black letters on a flimsy piece of grocery bag that barely covered his face read, "Nothing under 20.00." Priceless, absolutely priceless.

Filtered

2006-01-12T06:09:00.000-08:00

"I think it's obvious that we are not going to be friends :).....it's all good." I think that was it..hopefully not any harsher.

I can be unbearably impulsive when upset. On Tuesday, I sent a late night text message at the end of a pleasent evening of self-loathing.* Eventually, the silliness of a dead end friendship that usually amuses me changed to annoyance especially since the only thing left that binds us are the movies he borrowed. He thinks I want more than he can give even though every chance I get I tell him to, "just drop off the movies under the mailboxes in the brown basket in my building," even if I am not home. I wrote the text message for him then I realized that is applied to others as well, so off it went to multiple people. I hope you find the range of responses as interesting as I did.

Response #1
There is this new bartender in town whom I met a month or two back. While chatting with him I learned he had only been in Minneapolis 4 months and did not have any gay friends yet. So, I extended my willingness to try to become a friend. We actually did hang out once to watch "The Emporor's New Groove" and we both laughed heartily and had good conversation. Then I would call and invite him to things, or just to chat, or basically put in the effort I thought needed to establish a friendship and got nothing back. The last message I left him I stated that it was his turn to call me. For the most part the guy is really cool, but I really did not get the vibe the friendship was taking off.

He replied, "What the duce? I have been skiing in Colorado for the past couple of weeks, but I don't deal with this kind of drama, so I guess you are right."

Response #2
I met a guy a couple of weekends ago at Boom while I was waiting for my friend Frank and we chatted and the conversation was good. When Frank showed up I told the guy that it was great chatting with him and suggested that we could exchange numbers. He said, "Well you could always come back over here too to talk more." I thought that was fair enough and went over to socialize. He then came over a while later with his number and a drink. This never happens. No one ever buys me a drink :) So, we called each other the next day or so and set up a date for the following Wednesday. The date on paper went really really well. We had Sushi at this place that it seems many people don't know about and man was it good, and then we went to go see Memoir's of a Geisha which I loved. I really didn't feel things click and there were many things that sent up some flags so I was going to call him eventually and express this. Well, he texted me and invited me out and I couldn't make it, and then I sent him my message. His response? He tried to call me twice and then the next day left an apology text saying, "I have been studying a lot for the 6 hour test I have to take on the 16th. I'm sorry, call me."

Response #3
On Christmas night I went to the Saloon by myself. I had not done something like that for a long time. I sat in the video bar and had some beers and got to know the bartender who I am now in loose contact with as a friend. Across the way was another guy obviously by himself and I notice him notice me and so finally I did the "why don't you come over here" head nod. He was from San Francisco and was visiting family in Maple Grove for the holidays. I needed someone to talk to and he thought I was cute, so it worked out very well :) We both noticed this really cute guy sitting by himself at the bar so we both went over and introduced ourselves. For the rest of the night the three of us basically hung out together and I made sure that we all exchanged numbers before we got separated. Well the third guy is technically local and so for whatever reason I decided to send him the text as well even though I have not had contact with him since the night we met. I thought he would probably think, "Who the hell is this?" but instead I got a voice mail from him stating that he has been busy and that he wouldn't mind getting together some day.

Response #4
I met this guy on Gay.com and we chatted for a while, and he knew that I liked country music and so he randomly asked me if I would like to go to the concert. I said sure and had a great time. Later that night we went to the 90's and got separated and I had a blast. Needless to say that put a slight strain on any potential whatever since basically I ditched my date.

His reply to the text was, "Who is this?" :)

Response #5
Over last summer I hung out with Pauli some. Pauli is a guy who used to work for the Fringe doing money runs and I definitely was flirting with him when I first met him. Sexy, smart, artistic, and a huge goofball. Perfect! Alas he has a husband now, and I didn't really even get to know him as a friend until I randomly ran into him on a date and he invited us rollerskating which we accepted. It was tons of fun.

Ok, back to this story. Qua is someone I met through Pauli and Qua and I feel into bed one drunken night and then went on a date even. Well, as friends we clicked, but not as dating. Qua had paid for our date though and so I have always said I need to pay him back. He has not been the best at calling me back or setting things up in general and that has never been a big deal to me...or at least I thought. I sent him the message though. His response was a lengthy voice man saying things like "I will take the blame" and "If you can forgive me...and I hope you can" Just crazy. I will call him soon because he obviously has been feeling bad for a while. :)

Response #6
And how did Scott respond to the text? Basically I got a voice mail from him that went on and on and on and on so much that I didn't even listen to the whole thing. It was filled with things like, "I basically used you when I first met you...I felt I was being up front and honest....I am not looking for a best friend or someone to hang around with everyday....I think we are at different emotional levels right now." Basically, made me roll my eyes. How many times did I have to flat out tell him that I was on the same page as him, and that I was using him too, and that I had no desire to date him after I got to know him better, and I even gave him the out of just returning the movies without having to be in contact with me!

Isn't it crazy how one statement can be viewed in so many different ways? I originally thought I was being an ass to send a message like this, but in the end it proved that I sent it to the people who I needed to say such a thing to and it was honest and straight forward. I almost wish I had not sent out the apology text saying how crazy I can be sometimes. Really, I didn't mean for it to be dramatic just more of an observation. Texting can be rude thoughwith its meaning obscured, and yet each individual already had their own personal view of me and themselves and responded accordingly. I feel it turned out very positive and proved that being honest and upfront (even if it hurts ourselves or others) is the best way to deal with personal relationships.

* the term 'self-loathing' is a term I have borrowed from my friend Ron Rosenow

I like this song a lot right now

2006-01-06T07:07:00.000-08:00

SNOW PATROL LYRICS

"Chocolate"

This could be the very minute
I'm aware I'm alive
All these places feel like home

With a name I'd never chosen
I can make my first steps
As a child of 25

This is the straw, final straw in the
Roof of my mouth as I lie to you
Just because I'm sorry doesn't mean
I didn't enjoy it at the time

You're the only thing that I love
It scares me more every day
On my knees I think clearer

Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words

What have I done it's too late for that
What have I become truth is nothing yet
A simple mistake starts the hardest time
I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

I should call this my family venting blog :)

2005-12-27T07:45:00.001-08:00

I should be grateful to my family, and for once I even mean some of my extended family. My mom had invited me over to her house on the 18th to have dessert with my Aunt Adel who is by far my favorite Aunt since she is the only one I really know well. When I showed up, my Uncle Richard and his wife (I think her name is Karen, but I think I am wrong) my Uncle David and Pricilla, and Aunt Adel and Jim were there. Very much a shock and pleasent surprise. My Uncle David sure is a talker and overexhuberant person. He had his digital camera and was taking random pictures of people's ears, noses, and sneaky pictures of Jim since he did not want his taken at all. I thought he would appreciate my picture that I sent out in my christmas cards, but he seemed to occupied with, well being hyper. Later on he wresteled with my parents dog Jake just as aggressively as my dad does. David was literally draggin him across the floor by Jakes back legs.

I have a crazy family and think I have come to the conclusion that I can not handle being around them for more than one evening or day. I was so ready to leave Christmas day when my sister pulled me off the couch because my mom HAD to use it to hold Nolan to let him fall asleep. If she had not yanked me up with no warning and then got mad at me because she thought I was being some kind of jerk I would not have looked annoyed with her. One can stuff ones annoyance only so long, and my defense of being amused had worn off. I was ready to go. Of course I am never let off the hook that easy and thus my frustration level started to rise. I was asked to take my Dad home, no problem, I was asked to make sure to get some Turkey from the house, no problem, I was asked to take Dad home, I already said I would...no problem, I was asked if I liked white meat or dark meat better, I like white meat better...no problem, I was reminded of how mad I was when I got yanked off the couch, where is Dad?, I was asked if everything was ok, I blurt out while my sister is still there, "Ok, I am starting to get really frustrated, and I sometimes I get tired of not being let go when I am ready and need to go from events like this." My sister looks at me with an, "Alright, Jonathan obviously thinks he is more important than anyone" look and walks away. The next day my mom called and apologized about some of the behaviors she needs to change (I should call her and say thank-you for that I guess) and that she wants me to be able to "be myself" around the family. When it comes down to it, I don't believe that about any of my family. It will be an amazing time in my life when I can talk freely to my family like I do my friends.

(I always remember what a concelor said to me once, "Are you trying to make us feel sorry for you?" And the answer then was yea, and more than likely I am doing it again now. lol)

It's Officially Winter (aka songs in my head)

2005-12-21T07:23:00.000-08:00

Crazy isn't it? Well, I guess it depends where you live, but here in Minnesota it's been cold since last month. I am just glad that it has not snowed this week since it is my week to shovel. "You are...my fire...my one....desire...and I know....when you say...I want it that way....Ain't nothing but a heartache...tell me why?....aint nothing but a mistake....tell me why....all I want to hear you say...is I want it that way...tell me whyy....whyyyyyyyy" Maybe I will just write down all the random songs that go through my mind today. 10:36am, "I feel pretty..oh so pretty...I feel pretty and witty and gay! And I pity....anyone who doesn't feel the same...."

11:12am: "Wouldn't it be nice...lallalala....were could spend all day in the sun...would it be nice...lalalalal...something or other all day long...." (I am whistling the tune) "wouldn't it be nice."

12:13: "da da da da da da da da da...da da da da da da da da....one love...one love...da da da da da da da da da" (this one I only seem to hear at boom)

12:45: 'March of the Tin Soilders'

1:45: So I am leaving work ealry today because there is no work really to be had, and here is the last song in my head. "Hey sister soul sister....gotta get that dough sisters..."

The Survey

2005-12-17T10:23:00.000-08:00

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey

Name: Jonathan Howard

Birthday: 05/13/1976

Birthplace: Minneapolis

Current Location: Minneapolis - Edge of Uptown

Eye Color: Green

Hair Color: Brown

Height: 5'10"

Right Handed or Left Handed: Right Handed

Your Heritage: I am a mutt, Irish, French Canadian, Native American, Danish, Swedish, English, etc.

The Shoes You Wore Today: My black Born slip on shoes that really have seen their last day but perfect for shitty walking in the snow weather

Your Weakness: I believe your strength is also your weakness, so being personable sometimes to a fault

Your Fears: Uncontrolled Heights

Your Perfect Pizza: Hmmm....I really like the Baked Potato Pizza at Pizza Luce

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: To be debt free

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "lol" or the ":)"

Thoughts First Waking Up: I don't want to go to work....or I don't want to go to work..Wait! It's Saturday! *rolls back over to sleep*

Your Best Physical Feature: hmmmm....my smile, and my butt...oh and sometimes I like my arms and stomach. :)

Your Bedtime: usually midnight on the weekdays and whenever on the weekends

Your Most Missed Memory: That loving feeling :)

Pepsi or Coke: hmmmm...neither, but forced to choose I will say Coke

MacDonalds or Burger King: I call it McDonalds

Single or Group Dates: Single, though a group date let's the other person see more of ones personality I would think. I have never been on a group date.

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: don't care

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate

Cappuccino or Coffee: Coffee

Do you Smoke: no

Do you Swear: yes :) (I so want to steel someone else's answer who wrote Fuck yea!, but I wont')

Do you Sing: Not really, but I like to pretend I can if I ever go to church

Do you Shower Daily: who doesn't?

Have you Been in Love: Most definately yes

Do you want to go to College: If I can help it no, I have already been down that road and graduated and see no need to put myself through it again :)

Do you want to get Married: ummm....my goal is to make it past the year marker in dating right now.

Do you belive in yourself: Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't

Do you get Motion Sickness: nope

Do you think you are Attractive: Sometimes I look in the mirror and say, "Damn! I look good" and other times I say, "Damn I need to get to the gym!"

Are you a Health Freak: hahaha...no...but others think I eat healthy..they don't see me eating my pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream at night though.

Do you get along with your Parents: I am amused by my parents and that is the most one can ask for

Do you like Thunderstorms: when cuddling for sure, and since I live in the city and think that Tornado's can't touch me here I enjoy them on my own too.

Do you play an Instrument: I used to play Trombone, but now it is used kind of like a plant stand

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: oh yes

In the past month have you Smoked: ok fine yes...I was drunk and had some of my friends pot...a quick puff...but it was just random and weird that it happened.

In the past month have you been on Drugs: nooooo (unless you count Alcohol as the drug that it is :)

In the past month have you gone on a Date: Yea, and still haven't found a good match.

In the past month have you gone to a Mall: sure

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: nope, but a huge bag of
peanut M&M's :)

In the past month have you eaten Sushi: no, but if anyone is game for going to Nami for happy hour sometime soon I am game

In the past month have you been on Stage: Now I actually had to pause and think about this...why I am not sure since I am not normally on stage. And the answer is no

In the past month have you been Dumped: hard to get dumped when you all your dates lately turn into friends

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: no, it's frikin winter right now! But I did go Skinny Dipping this summer at the old Hidden Beach at Cedar Lake at Midnight with a full moon with a friend and then other random people showed up and went in too. What a cool experience.

In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Define Stole. I don't think I have.

Ever been Drunk: ummmm....yea.

Ever been called a Tease: ahem...yes...but I am a nice friendly tease who tells you what I am doing. Otherwise it's just mean to tease.

Ever been Beaten up: hate to admit it but yes, in 7th grade on the bus. My upper lip on the right was never the same after that :)

Ever Shoplifted: I think I stole Tic Tac's on accident once

How do you want to Die: Old and without pain

What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Famous!

What country would you most like to Visit: Canada...you know I want to say I am kidding, but it's right near by and so much of it I have never seen. I really want to go to Toronto. I want to go overseas too,

Santa and Me

2005-12-15T07:55:00.000-08:00

My Santa and Me like to climb up a tree. My Santa and Me are the best friends there could be!

Ok...so I guess I have decided this is the place to post all the random shit that maybe I would send in mass e-mail form...not that I will not send things in mass
e-mail, but well...I think the point has been made. So here is the most recent picture of me. I love it. The first time I EVER had my picture taken with Santa (aka Satan)was in 1994 which would have been my Senior year at Park Center High School. My mom was working in downtown Robbinsdale at Glenwood Floral, with a gay man with HIV mind you, and it was their company work party. It is really a horrendous picture and it's too bad I don't have the button on hand to scan so you can see it's hideousness. That's right they made a button made right then and there of Santa and Me and the year declaring 1994 curved undeneath us.

Nothing to do Day 123

2005-12-15T06:55:00.000-08:00

Boredom. That is something I never used to think or say, but lately that has defined my life on more days than I would like to shake a stick at, and I like shaking sticks at things. Ah, who am I kidding, I was bored in the mailroom all the time and I didn't feel like I could sit at a computer all day long just for the hell of it and now I can and it looks like I am working. The difference is that everything I do now is sapoused to be billable time, and by billable I mean every moment of my day should be related to some building that we are currently building. Problem is this month nothing seems to be being built. I really like the word build. (Bartenders build buildings boldly) It's like I a retail job on a dead night when no one is around but you have to be there in case someone shows up. It really sucks staring at a computer screen, with no interpersonal interactions, and being super warm, even in short sleeves, in a constant mind numbing state all day. I know some may be jealous, but why? I would much rather be pulling my hair out busy because then I would have a reason to drink socially, and would enjoy sitting around at home doing nothing becuase it would be decompressing. I sit around doing nothing all day so if I go home and do nothing it feels like I am taking crazy pills. (Obey my dog!)

So movies I need to own and was just reminded of one just now and watched a favorite one last night that I forgot about. I am sure there are more, but here we go for now.

1. The Emperor's New Groove (Beware of the Groove! Groooove.)
2. Romie and Rochelle's Class Reunion (I'm the Mary!)
3. Bring it On (These are not spirit fingers....THESE are spirit fingers!)
4. Zoolander (How do you expect children to learn if they can't even fit inside the building! It needs to be at least.....two....three times as big!)
5. Mean Girls (I'm not a normal mom...I'm a cool mom.)
6. Clue (Let us out! Let us out! Let us in! Let us in!)

The Holiday Party

2005-12-13T06:24:00.000-08:00

This is reply that I sent to an e-mail...the first part may not make much sense..but it turned into a rather decent story.

Well, I am glad you enjoyed it. I knew you would have the sense of humor to receive the picture :) And I am hip? Who knew? I did not get my picture of me and Santa yet, I will send it your way though when I get it...how is that? And it was a drink free night for me, but still it was interesting. A wife of an Architect here got kinda tipsy/maybe drunk and she was upset at her husband slightly and she seemed to enjoy making snide comments to me. Normally I get along great with her, but like I said she had been drinking. The ultimate comment she made to me was when I was talking about all the cute guys that had just started working for HGA with my friend Victor (he does not work here) and tried to include her with it, and she blurted out, "You know, one day when you are not drinking, you will realize when to stop talking." Now I had taken all the other comments and pushed them aside, but this one could not be ignored. Back in the day I would have just sat there, in fact the first time this ever happened to me was back in High School when this fat, insecure girl that was at the table where I was said, "Do you ever just stop talking?" Well, I took that personally and just shut up right then and there and felt ashamed, and of course she had to dig in deeper. "Isn't it great that Jon isn't talking? God, it feels good to be able to hear myself think." Or something like that. A lot has changed since High School though and I have learned if someone shames you in front of a group of people it is your right, nah your duty to shame them back. After the right amount of pause, I sarcastically said, "Well, first of all I have not been drinking, but thank-you so much for that advice.....it just really warms my heart that you care." And then I was quiet so the others in the group could have the chance to say something and of course no one did. Bitch deserved it. :) On the way out I said goodbye to said Architect and his wife and she said, "It was nice talking to you." "Oh, yes, it was really a pleasure," I said in my best Minnesotan, passive aggressive, bitchy tone.

God Forsaken State

2005-12-06T06:33:00.000-08:00

It's frickin' cold outside...and it's only gonna get worse let me tell ya. I actually turned up my heat. I have to admit I just got tired of sitting in a cold cold house underneath a blanket and needing to wear slippers all day long. I know I need to also put plastic on my windows and I also need to see if I can get my car in the garage. Maybe it's just a sign that I am getting older that I am tired with living with out stuff, living in a cold house, and needing to scrap off my car every morning. Sometimes I think there is even a part of me that understands why people live in the suburbs, but then I change my mind and think "If I only had more money." See if you live in the Suburbs you actually have to make a "trek" to anything you want to get to and I can just walk two blocks up the road and feel cozy at Gigi's. If I had more money I would be there everyday. If I had more money I would be more happy. No, not true. Happiness is a day by day thing where sometimes it comes out the winner and sometimes it's buried where you almost believe, and sometimes believe, that it does not exist. (side note, recent work crush just walked by...so handsome)

Anyway, today on the drive in an inspirational thought hit me that sometimes does. Back when I was interpreting at Options North I was still in my last semester of College. I needed to go to my parents to watch the dog for them, but I also needed to get some homework done. I was complaining to my co-worker about how the dog would not leave me alone when I got home and that I would get nothing accomplished. That's when she said, "Who's in control Jon, you or the dog?" Simple yet so profound to me at that time and even now in my life I apply it to situations, smile and wish all healthy advice would stick with me like that had.

The funny Thanksgiving stories

2005-11-28T02:27:00.000-08:00

This is a correspodance I had today with my friend Mark Franko. I forgot about this good story and his is funnier still.

[13:07] kindarandom_now: buddy!
[13:15] kingoffringeville: Hello
[13:15] kingoffringeville: How was your weekend?
[13:16] kindarandom_now: ummm....a combination of relaxation, boredom, and entertaining :)
[13:16] kindarandom_now: and only a couple of decent stories to tell from Thanksgiving.
[13:16] kingoffringeville: Sounds like an interesting combo
[13:17] kindarandom_now: yea...each day was filled with a little bit of each
[13:17] kingoffringeville: Holiday stories are the best
[13:17] kindarandom_now: yea...I realize I do have a good one now from Thanksgiving.
[13:17] kindarandom_now: it's more of a visual story though.
[13:18] kingoffringeville: I see.
[13:18] kingoffringeville: I have a few interesting stories too.
[13:18] kindarandom_now: I will tell you mine anyway if you tell me yours :)
[13:18] kingoffringeville: Wish I was not so busy this week we could go out and swap stories
[13:18] kindarandom_now: ahhh...yea...that's too bad
[13:22] kingoffringeville: Are you going to share your story?
[13:32] kindarandom_now: you see I was going to call you this weekend, but I think that you are with your guy...I know how that is not true, but I know that how friends think when their friends start dating :)
[13:32] kindarandom_now: ahh
[13:32] kindarandom_now: my story
[13:33] kindarandom_now: we kind of had an impromptu meeting
[13:33] kindarandom_now: and I need to send a courier quick...so one sec
[13:37] kindarandom_now: ok, so the only real good story is that my sister had Thanksgiving at her house this year
[13:37] kindarandom_now: and so she invited over everyone
[13:37] kindarandom_now: her mother-in-law, father-in-law, sister-in-law and her kids and my family. Well there was a TON of food
[13:37] kindarandom_now: so it was all set up in the kitchen Buffet Style and so everyone
[13:38] kindarandom_now: just took their plates, filled them up, and started to eat as they sat down
[13:38] kindarandom_now: my mom was sitting directly in front of me, and when she sat down I saw
[13:40] kindarandom_now: a pious kind of look cross over her face as she
[13:41] kindarandom_now: looked around at everyone and then she bent her head down and closed her eyes, and looked up righteously (sp?)
[13:41] kindarandom_now: so I asked her, "So mom did you just pray?"
[13:41] kindarandom_now: and she said, "Yes, I just said a prayer for myself"
[13:41] kindarandom_now:lol
[13:41] kindarandom_now: my sister recovered nicely but it was so great to see how she can create drama out of any moment.
[13:42] kindarandom_now: and now your turn
[13:42] kingoffringeville: My sister is offically trailer trash
[13:42] kindarandom_now: lol
[13:43] kingoffringeville: Met her boyfriend who is 58 yrs old, my mother is 57. My sister is only 34
[13:43] kingoffringeville: She is apparently engaged to this man but she did not tell me or my other sister about it.
[13:43] kingoffringeville: The guy bought the ring in a gas station for $3.99
[13:44] kindarandom_now: you are lying
[13:44] kingoffringeville: he told her he would buy her a better ring later but she said she likes the ring and would rather have a 4x4.
[13:44] kingoffringeville: She will be living in upstate NY with the other hillbillies in Jan

Thanksgiving

2005-11-26T14:35:00.000-08:00

Sadly, there is not much to report from Thanksgiving. It really went very smooth. I think that had a lot to do with the fact that the whole extended family for Nolan was there. Everyone had someone they could relate to. My brother and Tom's dad both had brought their hats and gloves so they could go for a winter walk in the 19, though it felt like 7, degree weather. My dad and Tom's mom were both fidgety enough to cancel each other out. Tom's sister's youngest, who is probably 6, and Nolan were playmates. Tom and Joy mainly just dealt with themselves of course, and the rest of us Tom's sister and her kids Mariko, Jack, my mom and me, seemed to find a balance in the fact that we all were mainly peacemakers. The best part of having both sides of the family there is that Tom's mom, Suji?, is Thai so there is a whole other meal that is brought besides the traditional Thanksgiving fair. Suji made Taboli, I think it is called, and I guess it can be something different everytime. Tom's sister was teasing Jack who was unsure about eating the spicy creation and when I took my first bite I understood why. It was way too chewy. It was like having calamari mixed up with small green leaves and hamburger and "Thai spices" which a secret incredient Suji did not want to share. After about 5 minutes of talking about it Suji finally admitted that is was cow intestine that was chewy. Maybe that would seem slightly gross but I reminded Jack that hot dogs are made out of intestine. I still didn't want to eat it myself though since really the texture was not something I wanted to deal with. At the same time, Suji had also brought a ton of raw fresh vegatables and pinaple and it really added to the buffet. And it was a buffet. Man there was a TON of food, and the Cheese Cake and the Pumpkin pie was HUGE! We ended the evening by playing pictionary which is always amusing when my sister is playing because she will switch herself to whatever team is winning, and she will make comments about how she is the only who plays fair so you will feel bad and let her cheating slide. Also we watched the tradtional Howard movie of Plains, Trains, and Automoblies. Love that show. Can't complain, really can't.

Creativity

2005-11-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

So , I decided that I don't need to write things only once a week, but I still think there will be one major story once a week. All I know is I want to share something that happened on Saturday. The woman at the counter at NorthWest Atheltic Club is one I have said hello to many times and she has always been sweet. Her name is Nicole, I know now, and she works with teenagers during the day for her real job. She told me this because they were about to open a store at the school so the kids could learn how to save and spend their money responsibly. I was buying a MOJO health bar before my swim and her eyes shined and as she hopped up and down she exclaimed, "That would be a perfect name for the store!" The only problem was it could not simply be called MOJO the letters actually had to represent something. "Wait, you have to help me think of something for the letters." Being the guy that I am, of course I put down my bag and started to ponder. "Ummm....My own.....My own Junk?.....Money of juice?" We were struggling. Her ideas were just as flimsy as my own, and then it hit me; we did not need to come up with an exact match for the letters we just needed to incorporate them. Well I came up with Money for junk store. Nicole was alirght with it, "but you need to come up with one more idea before you leave tonight and I have to think of one more too." "You realize I will have this on my brain now as I am swimming my laps," I said; however, it only took the time for me to change into my skimpy swimsuit to come up with something that fit. So, I covered up my semi-naked body and ran back upstairs. "My Money Adjustment Store!" She loved it, but somehow she had already managed to call a girlfriend of her's who had told her that MOJO has sexual contotations. "Yea, in Austin Powers it kind of refers to the labido (sp?), but it is more of an energy thing. Like the auroa you put out." Considering that I had just bought a health bar called MOJO should have made that clear enough, but I did not think of that example at the time. "Well, I will use it anyway. The director is less hip on the times than I am even, so he will have no clue." I hope she went with it.

Creativity can happen any time any place and with anyone, it's just up to us to notice it in ourselves and in others and to never put it down.

Mom's Messed Up (birthday) part 6

2005-11-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

The crazy part is that all of this really does not even give the evening justice or tell the whole tale. I really think I could write a one act play with all the material from the night, but the best story is the one that I did not even witness. What you are about to read is more like a joke that you could tell your friends. Make them think it's your family. Maybe use one of the stories just written or take it from one of your favorite "Mom and Dad" stories you have heard me tell over the years. No matter how you set it up, it will always get a laugh.

My dad, brother and sister are all sitting on the couch and in that order.

Brother: "Hey Dad, would you let me take that magazine back to the hospital with me to read?"

Dad: Pausing, heming and hawing, pausing, looking hesitant, "I don't know I paid four dollars for that at the Libary."

Brother: "What if I gave you two dollars?"

Dad: With a look of consideration, then shaking head, "Yea, I could give it to you for two dollars."

Brother: "Put I don't have two dollars"

Sister: Listening to everything, throws up her hands in disbelief and shooting a disgusted look at my dad, "You know Paul I have two dollars."

Digging into her purse Joy pulls out two dollars. My brother promptly takes out of her hand, only to have my father quickly snatch it out of Paul's hand. My dad then quickly placed the money into his pocket and finally handed the magazine to brother

Right after Nolan was born my dad said to me, with an amused/mischievous smile, "I can't wait to mess with a little kids mind." And while he laughed to himself at his joke I stated blankly, "You already have Dad."

Mom's Messed Up (birthday) part 5

2005-11-15T10:13:00.000-08:00

Notice I have not really mentioned Nolan in this whole story yet? That is because the little child was sweetly oblivious to any and all situations happening. Gotta love that kid. Just smiling while I looked over at him, not noticing my mom's frustration when he was not paying enough attention to her, and dancing like a mad man when any type of music was played. He basically was doing a great job of saving the day; Then the crazy adults would get involved. Nolan is finally speaking clearly and has taken to generalizing things. Like anything that is small, plastic, and an animal with four legs is a horse, anyone with a large noticeable beard is called Paul (my brother has a pretty out of control bushy beard), and most everything else is "Ouch" so he can get attention when he wants it. So, my dad and brother were sitting on the couch so close to each other that their knees were touching and poor little Nolan was smashed inbetween them. My sister, mom and I (Tom was not in the house at this point) were sitting at the table and I noticed my brother and dad locking hands to forearms all above Nolans head as if he was not there. "No, clasp down on me like you mean it, like a wrestling move!," said my brother and my father complied while little Nolan looked up and freaked out. My sister imeditately turned her head around like she was possed by the same demon from The Exorcist and an annoyed mother tone, "What are you guys doing!," as my brother and dad looked up like the toddlers they were behaving like and said almost in unison, "Just shaking hands." Joy picks up Nolan and Nolan starts pointing at my brother crying out, "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!" "Paul you better apologize to Nolan right now or else he may never want to talk to you again. I'm serious, there is this one kid that he was playing with at day care and he said ouch about him and now Nolan won't play with him anymore. Now you hold him. That's good (ouch! ouch!). See he is getting better already, now read him the Buzz Light year book. There see now he likes you again." All the while my mom and dad and speaking encouraging, nurtering word like, "You like Uncle Paul, don't you?, " and, "To infinity and beyond!" My brother had it right on the nose though, "Do you ever think you might just be spoiling him?," but no one seemed to notice but me as I watched silenting amused and quietly shaking my head thinking, "Poor little Nolan. Born into this crazy family."

Mom's Messed Up (birthday) part 4

2005-11-12T10:11:00.000-08:00

Ok, that was the story of Tom and Joy fighting and there is so much more to go. While we were eating it was very evident that my brother's meds were being changed. Paul was in great spirits if not just a tad manic in a very uppidy, happy way. Oh course this gave my dad license to bulge out his eyes at everthing movement Paul made which of course ment that at any moment either hilarity or a fist fight may ensue. My mom had the utmost look of concern and pathetic pleaing that expressed that she knew whatever she requested would not happy whilst she said in a scowling voice, "Don't you start Doug!" This just always ads fuel to the fire for my dad of course because just like every man, even the gay man, deep down we are like a toddler/child and just want attention. First, my brother combined gingerale, this gross chocolate black cherry pop my mom had bought (and she was pouty about because no one else liked it), and the last of the hot cider from Caribou Joy had bought for him earlier. My dad took this as his cue to start his usual staring while my brother poured out some salad dressing and said what I have heard my whole life, "Watch out. That opening on the lid is huge and you are going to use too much salad dressing and that is exactly what they want you to do!" My dad was on the alert, and then the critical moment happened. My brother was eating too much in my dad's eyes (and honestly to my mom and I did too, but what do you do...the guy was happy manic and who wants to have it turn into angry manic?) and horros of horrors my brother went into the kitchen to get more pizza. My dad started taping his fingers on the table,one piece on the plate, then culred them up clenching his fists, two pieces on the plate, and then his eyes to roll into the back of his head, four pieces on the plate, and while the fourth piece was being places on the plate he bellowing, "That's a lot of pizza, Paul!" In which my brother replied, "I know," and walked back toward the table. I could care less what would happen next, but it was my mothers birthday and so for her sake I slipped into my old family role and said, "Paul could I have a piece?" And he said, "Sure! I didn't just get it for myself you know." WHEW! My mom quickly picked up on what to do and asked for a piece herself. Yet another fire put out.

Gay bared out

2005-11-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

It's about time to write a little something. It doesn't really matter what the something is at this time in the morning because I am not awake yet anyway. It's been an interesting week to say the least. I didn't show up to work on Monday because I had so much fun on Sunday night and had a little too much fun, but it would be the second time in a row that I have been at the 90's that I have had an all and all out blast. I just love a place where I can go and not know ANYONE and they don't "know" me. I say this because just because people may see me out does not mean they really have any clue what I am like as a person. And the 90's is 18+ night and younger guys are just so much cooler and nicer to talk to and I really think they don't assume all you want to do is sleep with them...they are still in the state of mind that you actually just want to have fun. I am kind of on this rant though because last night I met up with my friend Chip (I always have to say "You know my friend who lives in St. Cloud who is a Doctor and the lightbulb always goes off) at Boom for his birthday and then he wanted to head over to the Townhouse. I have always loved the townhouse on a Wednesday night...well because it was all about fun. Nobody constantly looking for a hook-up or assuming that you want one and also everyone just willing to smile and have fun with everyone else. Not last night. People have heard it's the place to go now on a Wednesday and basically it plain sucked. The DJ thinks he is all that now and won't play songs you request or play song that run the gammet of music, I barely danced. And it was all the same people that you ALWAYS see at the saloon week after week after week or you assume so because anytime you decide to go out there they are. Chip had a blast...and he should...it was his birthday, but I was wishing real quick that I had driven myself there. And now I smell like smoke because I put on the same pants I had on last night :) I do this a lot....where the same pants without washing them first, but usually I don't smell horrible because of doing so. And now my friend want to go to the Bolt/Eagle for 3-4-1's on Friday and I already suggested that I could meet my friend/"roommate" Eric at the Bolt on Sunday for Showtune night. I am going out to the gay bar outed this week, but if it's the way to see my friends I am willing.

Mom's Messed Up (birthday) part 3

2005-11-08T13:15:00.000-08:00

Soon it was 6:30 and my mom and dad were getting antsy, as they always do when he they are hungry, so I called my sister on her cell phone to ask what their status was. "You know we could not pick up Paul until 6pm," she said without he usual tone of annoyance. I could not figure out the tone acutally. So I decided to suggest that I wanted some food and so that gave my parents permission to eat something to. At about 7pm my brother walked in the door and soon Joy and Tom's two dogs, Gus and Wally, sprang into the living room along with Nolan and Joy following behind; Joy had a large pizza in her hands and Nolan's baby bag busting at the seems. And then she was gone. Paul said, "Oh, I think they are going to over Tom's mom's to give her the car, or do a car swap or something." The next thing I noticed was that Gus was just laying in the wing backed chair even though the table was now full of food. Not like any dog in general and definately not like Gus. I thought it was because no one was paying attention to him in all the commotion. Of course Nolan is now the star, so both my parents black lab Jake and Gus get a little stan-off-ish if they are not given a proper greeting. So I went over to pet Gus and sure enough he was begging with the rest of them. "Joy and Tom sure have been gone a long time," said my mom. Well it turned out they had gone nowhere since my mom peered outside. "The car is still out there " Yes, they were sitting in the driveway. Turns out they had a fight before they got to the house. Tom's mom did call and did ask that they return the car and Joy overreacted (so unlike a Howard ) and started yelling I am sure about how, "It's my mom's birthday and your mom can wait!" I am sure more than that was said, but how am I to guess except to make this a more interesting story, but it's already going to be long enough. Joy eventually came in without Tom looking throughly gloomy and not saying much. Every now and then she would bring some pizza out to Tom until maybe about two hours later he came in.

Mom's Messed Up (birthday) part 2

2005-11-03T12:07:00.000-08:00

So, since I had nothing better to do, I drove to my parents house and thought I would just hang out with them a touch early. As I walked toward the bathroom, on the main level, I noticed a long piece of spare carpet covering the Pergo wood floor, both of which had been installed over the summer during a majoy renovation of the townhome, that lead to the garage door. I smiled amused to myself. They should have just put carpet down in the first place in that area if all they were going to do was cover the Pergo. "Why did you put the piece of carpet down, Dad?," 'cause I knew he's the one who did it. "Oh, Jake gets so excitable when he thinks he's going for a walk, so I don't want him to scratch up the floor." Then, before I reached the door of the bathroom my dad continued, "You should go check out all the work that we have done in the garage." Now, the thing to understand is that my mom and dad have not been able to get two cars in their two car garage for many many years because it is so full things my dad has bought at garage sales. Random furniture, stereo equipment, noodles for the pool, and tons and tons of books. "We got rid of a lot of stuff, don't ya think?" I was looking inside the garage at their blue, ford, mini, station wagon and the fortress of books and lied, "Yea it looks a lot better." My dad has made the bookshelves in the garage on his own out of found brick and random pieces of wood that line up both sides of the garage. Actually the only thing differnt I did not notice was my dad had added a nice homey touch, a sort of decor for the garage. Leaning against the books were trinkets and a "pastoral couple" picture from 1998 of my mom and dad, from when he thought he may become a pastor again, and two others where one and a lake sceen with flying geese and the other of a nature seen with a bear standing paws outstretched. Both pictures fully covered by generic gold leaf.

Mom's Messed Up (birthday) part 1

2005-10-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

Everytime I visit my parents, or if my parents are involved with something, there is always a good story to share with everyone. Recently, my mom turned 54. I have been describing this blessed event as, "a glorious, amusing, close to melt down mess." For those who know me, you will understand how I have turned out the way that I am, for those who don't, you may be just a little scared and hopefully amused all at the same time.

My mom called me at 3:30 on Friday, Oct. 21st, asking me if I could pick my brother up from the hospital. Now you may be concerned about WHY my brother was in the hospital. He has Bi-Polar and he was in for a med change, or more specifically to get him off Seraquil (sp?). This is nothing new. My brother has been in and out of hospitals since he was 16 and even spent a stint in the annoys State Hospital which is where they send the craziest of the crazies though that was a mistake since he was not all that bad. When I say not all that bad, I mean it in a working with EBD kids kind of way. When you first walk in you are like, "I need to get the hell out of here. These kids are out of conrtol and gonna kill me!," and then you stay and help out in class for a week and realize you actually showed up on a good day. Well Paul was having a good day though hyped up day. Paul left me two messages asking me to pick him up that I noticed on my way to the gym for my swim that happened to be before my mom had called me. So I guessed I had enough time to get the swim in and head over to Coon Rapids and get to Mercy Hospital by 6pm which is when his pass started. When I was walking back from the gym I noticed he had left another two messages this time saying that since he had not heard back from me that he would be having Joy and Tom pick him up. This made much more sense since Joy and Tom basically lived near the border of Coon Rapids, but I have always been the good son who always steps up to the plate so I was the first called. I was positioned to play "Jon" for the rest of the evening.

What is a Friend?

2005-10-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

WHAT IS A FRIEND?

What is a friend? I will tell you. It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself.

Your soul can be naked with him.

He seems to ask of you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. He does not want you to be better or worse.

When you are with him, you feel as a prisoner feels who has been declared innocent.

You do not have to be on your guard. You can say what you think, so long as it is genuinely you. He understands those contradictions in your nature that lead others to misjudge you.

With him you breathe freely.

You can avow your little vanities and envies and hates and vicious sparks, your meannesses and absurdities and, in opening them up to him, they are lost, dissolved on the white ocean of his loyalty.

He understands. You do not have to be careful. You can abuse him, neglect him, tolerate him. Best of all, you can keep still with him. It makes no matter. He likes you - he is like fire that purges to the bone.

He understands. He understands.

You can weep with him, sin with him, laugh with him, pray with him. Through it all - and underneath - he sees, knows and loves you.

A friend? What is a friend? Just one, I repeat, with whom you dare to be yourself.

- C. Raymond Beran-

Is chatting on your cell phone different than talking to your neighboor at the library?

2005-10-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

I hate people....especially self righteous people who think that if you are being respectful by being quite on your cell phone and whispering in the same way that you would if you were chatting with your neighboor that it is different. Is it different that you are on your cell phone as opposed to chatting with your neighboor. According to the self righteous girl by the window it is...as does the guy who gave me a glaring look...so I gave him a very sacrastic glaring look back at him. I think that people need to lighten up...or am I wrong...please discuss.

2005-10-18T19:32:00.000-07:00

Just To See You Smile
(Mark Nesler/Tony Martin)

You always had an eye for things that glittered
But I was far from being made of gold
I don't know how but I scraped up the money
I just never could quite tell you no

Just like when you were leaving Amarillo
Takin' that new job in Tennessee
And I quit mine so we could be together
I can't forget the way you looked at me

Just to see you smile
I'd do anything that you wanted me to
When all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
'Cause leavin' didn't hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rollin' down your face

And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walkin' up to me with him
So I told you that I was happy for you
And given the chance I'd lie again

Just to see you smile
I'd do anything that you wanted me to
When all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

Just to see you smile
I'd do anything that you wanted me to
When all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

(found at www.lyrics.com, sung by Tim McGraw)

And now for something copletely different. Changing at the NorthWest Athletic Club free locker area, and having to leave my towel on while I slip on my underwear, is no longer a hangup. Communal showers do not frighten me anymore since I realize I can't see the other guys anyways without my glasses. Exposing myself to my fellow man during a Twins game while using the wall length trough ceases to make me flinch. I am proud of these things actualy; yet for all the things that I have gotten over and used to in life, one would think wearing something appropiate for lap swimming would not make me nervous. Why was I nervous?
I recently aquired a rather skimpy swimsuit from, well let's just call him a special friend. It's speedo like, but with a "box" cut so not as scandelous. It still rides up your butt though and you can't help but wonder, "what can I stuff the front of this with so that won't dissinegrate or expand beyond what is believable?" Was it the fact that it was kind of a "gay" swimsuit? You bet that was one of the issues. I mean how gay is it to have a suit that is beyond the utility of a speedo and moves into fashion. The man who gave them to me had three or four such suits each one louder than the next, and my favorite was the one that was tan and yellow with a huge British flag all over the ass and smaller ones with palm trees and beaches on the front. "This type of suit is for when you go to the Mediterrian, Europe or when you are in South Beach," said such man in his Greek accent, and his very matter of fact delivery made it seem everyone traveled to these places all the time. So cute. How gay was that description though? "I wasn't aware you were trying to hide it." That put things into perspective for that moment.
The next day I was talking to my mom, before walking into the gym, about how weird "this feeling is. I mean the last time I wore a speedo was when I was in Jr. High and I could care less then." And that's when people are meant to feel the most akward about their bodies. I love that line in Amercian Beauty where the Dad says that his daughter is a typical teenager, angry, uncertain of the world, and that he would like to tell her the feelings would end, but he wouldn't want to lie to her. I have love handles, and no matter how many people say they love my body I still know they did not exist before. Granted I am basically 30 and these things happen, but to wear a tight fitting black swimsuit with a huge red stipe off the side with a giant white plus sign in the middle of that red stripe is bound to showcase all that excess ice cream, pizza, and peanut m&m's I have consumed this past year. Oh yes, and it's only over this last year. I was way sexier a year ago and "I don't care what you say you don't see me without a shirt everyday" But I am not going to stop eating because food helps. Ahem, so, I changed in the locker room no sweat, I used the public facilites, and I showered like a good swimmer should before heading down the hallway toward the door that lead to the stairway and too the pool. Goggles in hand, I boldly entered the swim area with my towel so snug around my waist I could feel it creating pillow like marks on my thighs.

Silly Pictures

2005-10-11T19:31:00.000-07:00

Somehow I noticed that Trampled by Turtles were playing at Pizza Luce in Duluth and decided to send an e-mail to Ron about heading up their as a mini road trip. Of course Ron was game, and of course I forgot about my own plans. The Monday before the weekend we were to go up we had our monthly 3531 Lyndale Ave S. Association meeting, and during this meeting I decided it was time we all started doing something about all the building work we had been talking about for over a year. So, I got Matt, Amanda and Joe to commit to work on Saturday at 11AM. See, Saturday is when Ron and I were to go up to Duluth, so I had to explain to Ron that we could not leave until 3. The work day was amazing. It felt so good to have almost all the owners there and all of us doing something productive for the building. It finally felt like we were a little community. I was originally worried I would be too tired after working, but I was actually energized, so off Ron and I went to Duluth. It was a chatty drive up talking about my experiences with a converted apartment to a Condo, Ron just bought one himself, and Ron's plans to teach abroad in the next year. Upon arrival, we went straight to Pizza Luce and bought our tickets and sat down for dinner. I could have sat facing opposite of Ron, but then I would have been staring into two drab, double swing doors with two round windows too high to see into the dead shopping area behind them. So, Ron and I were the "gay" couple. That was fun. When we had bought the tickets we learned the show didn't actually start until 10PM and even then there were two openers. We were done eating by 8. I told Ron, "we should drive over to Superior and check out the gay bars." "Are there no gay bars in Duluth?" "Nope." Superior and Duluth are night and day cities. It's kind of like going to Detroit and then crossing under, because you go through a tunnel, to Windsor. I have never been to Windsor because I forgot my passport when I visited my friends there, but I could see it from the banks of Detroit. Such a pristine pretty looking city that sucked the life out of Detroit by those damn Canandians coming over for higher paying wages and then bringing the money back to Windsor! Now don't take me too seriously. It's drab in Superior, and I doubt people go from Duluth to Superior to work, yet I have had some real good times there. It was too early, and the bars are scarier sober, so we decided to head back to Duluth. Driving over the bridge back to 35 we wondered what all the blinking red towers were for and decided to find them. The adventure of finding the origin of the multiple red lights was worth it. We wound up and up and up until we found the dirt road that took us inbetween all the multiple towers. Ron stopped the car turned off the lights and let the car radio subtly stream "As Time Goes By" while we looked at the stars surrounded by quiet blinking lights. I said, "If we were dating we would be slow dancing right now." Instead we took silly pictures. And that's something I don't want to forget.

It's not Sunday

2005-10-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

Lyrics: (my favorite part is at the end where it goes do do do do.....)

Ice Cream

your love is better than ice cream
better than anything else that i've tried
and your love is better than ice cream
everyone here knows how to fight
and it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way down to the place where we've started from
your love is better than chocolate
better than anything else that i've tried
and oh love is better than chocolate
everyone here knows how to cry
and it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way down to the place where we've started from
do do do....

(from Fumbling Towards Ecstasy (1993)also found on Mirrorball (1999) by, Sarah McLahlan
found at www.lyrics.com)

Notes:

It's not Sunday, but I was moody on Sunday so I probably would have wrote about rain and dead puppies so this is better. Basically I am in good spirits today because last night something magical happened. I figured out how to scam gay.com from work. I have not been able to do this since they filter for "adult content" through some service called....now wait just a second I just went to pull up the gay.com and it worked without a fuss. What's going on here! True the other day I was trying to scam the security system settings on my computer, but would IT have noticed and decided it was ok to feed my addiction? I don't think it's an addicition really...I will inform you all if that actually starts to happen....again. Well not as exciting of news as it once was I shall tell you a few other things that are making me happy right now. I am drinking Peppermint tea and eating cheese cofee cake. Chesse coffe cake. Now the name does not seem all that appealing, but it's just a bunch of sugary goodness that the buzz lasts at least....10...no wait...20 min and that makes me happy...for a while. I think it means cream cheese, so why don't they just say that? Wouldn't it be more socially accepted? Maybe you can just attach anything you want with the suffex of "coffe cake" and it becomes something so appealing bad for you sit in front of the vending machine (what we call the "Wheel of Death" at HGA) wishing yogurt wasn't $1.25 when it used to be 75 cents like the coffee cake is now. That's a differnt rant though. Tofu coffee cake. Would I still buy it? Would I want to branch out like I did when I started buying Soy milk? I would probably give it a try. I basically will try anything a couple of times. And what if I liked it? How would I get others to try some with me? They would never belive me unless they were Vegan or somehthing.

Hapiness

2005-09-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

This week's Poem:

Happiness

So early it's still almost dark out.
I'm near the window with coffee,
and the usual early morning stuff
that passes for thought.

When I see the boy and his friend
walking up the road
to deliver the newspaper.

They wear caps and sweaters,
and one boy has a bag over his shoulder.
They are so happy
they aren't saying anything, these boys.

I think if they could, they would take
each other's arm.
It's early in the morning,
and they are doing this thing together.

They come on, slowly.
The sky is taking on light,
though the moon still hangs pale over the water.

Such beauty that for a minute
death and ambition, even love,
doesn't enter into this.

Happiness. It comes on
unexpectedly. And goes beyond, really,
any early morning talk about it.

(by, Raymond Clevie Carver found at Oldpoetry.com)

Editor's Notes:

Yesterday was errand day. Well actually it was this kid Brian who needed to run errands. Brian is 23 and has currently moved to Minnesota to pursure his Masters in Linguistics without a car. I met Brian on Gay.com home of friendships, hook-ups, and friendships with benefits. Brian needed a friend, in my opinion, since I am a sucker for the lost soul; the ones who are not yet established in this cold city of Murderapolis.

My first visit with Brian proved to be a very successful friendship date. Friendship dates are like romance dates except there is no kiss, lingering hug, or sex therefore the nerves before the encounter are not as strong yet still exist. Walking to his house was an enlightenment. Brian lives near the Minneapolis Insitute of Art and attempting a brisk walk their had seemed irrational until that day. As I waited for a light on 24th Ave S. and 1st, I was distracted when I looked down the side street at the backside of a potentially good looking man. He was working on his lawn, in his 30's, knew how clothes are meant to flatter the body, with his little yippy dog by his side. As he turned a little I saw his strawberry blonde hair and handsome face just as his dog ran up to greet two frightened Somali women in traditonal dress one in blue one in mauve. "Hey what's that!," I said to the dog in a very excited voice pointing it back towards his owner. The Owner had now noticed what was going on and was moving towards me. He was definately cute, handsome and gay. He smiled at me and said thanks, our gazed lingered, and if life was a movie I would have introduced myself and our mutal struggles to find a soul mate would have finally ended. I said "No worries," and smiled my I-know-you're-gay-and-I-know-you-know-I-am-gay-and-you-think-I-am-cute-and-I-think-you-are-cute smile and walked on. That was a good moment. I told everyone the next day, "It only takes me 30 min to walk to the Minneapolis Institute of Art!" What a revalation. All those days sititting in my room staring at my ceiling when I could been staring at a Monet or Rembrant and analzing their meaning through their brush strokes and my emotional state. I was energized and resfreshed when I reached Brian's rental home and the date was successful. The friendship had begun to thrive when I realized he did not only know about the cartoon Invader Zim, but he could quote it and laugh while doing so which is a rare quality to find in a man.

So, two weeks later I drove him on errands and just enjoyed the chill factor of tagging along. At Circuit City I watched Mulon Rouge on the $2,999 awesome Tosabi DVR, HD mini-widescreen, laptop and talked to a captive audience of one while I waited for Brian to mull over what computer to buy. The Tosabi sales man had just bought a condo in the International Market Square, has two rental units, recently moved in with his parents, and gets no discount through Tosabi. He was so friendly, and such a great conversationlist, I was tempted to invite him along.

Brian and I ate brunch at the Edina Cafe, after venturing into some way over priced store on 50th and France, and sat at the counter. I didn't say hi to Jon Weaver from HGA because I was too entertained by the 50 something straight couple next to us and the wait staff ringing up orders right in front of us. "I hate cantalope, and I hate it even more because no matter what other fruit you put it with everything else tastes like it, " Brian whispered to me. "Thank-you!," exclaimed the random ponytailed waitress with a empathic, exasperated hand gesture. Later the 50 something straight couple's food was being passed over my hands. I automatically slid the man's plate of bacon over to him by actually touching, not the edge of the plate, but the inside of the plate like he was family. "I'm sorry. I guess I just can't help myself." "That's alright," he said, then continued, "So does that make you a caregiver or a caretaker?" We spent the next few minutes coming up with a definition. A caregiver was someone who helped out from time to time and a caretaker took care of others 24/7 and that was the basis of their happiness. I choose caregiver.

On the west side of Lake of the Isles is a Native American book store and that was our last stop. I read poetry while Brian chatted with the staff, and I came across 'Happiness'. I read it over and over again seeing some new detail in it's simple delievery and felt connected to the world. I was not the only one who had moments like the one described. I never understood that you could be connected with someone without even saying a word until a friend, who I was having Perkin's with in high school, said, "You know when you are with good friends you don't always have to be talking." I took it as an insult of my chartector at that time, but have since adopted her truth. Too bad we are no longer friends.

Driving back to Brian's house, I took five minutes to turn up the "Wild Horses," rolled down my squeaky window, leaned back in my seat, and stuck my arm out the window trying to catch the rush of air through my fingertips. I took in the scene of the Lake and noticed Brian doing the same. I was "in the moment", and the absense of speech elisited the rare feeling of being content with my life.

2005-09-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

So, I thought I would kind of do some of the same things at Literally Speaking and maybe it will keep me reading books. I also will just keep the format somewhat the same. :) Oh, and if anyone knows that this is now illegal what I am doing please let me know.

Excerpt:

You shall therefore wit, that this gentleman above named the spurts that he was idle (which was the longer part of the year), did apply himself wholly to the reading of books of knighthood, and that with such gusts and delights, as he almost wholly neglected the excersie of hunting; yea, and the very administration of his household affairs. And his curiosity and folly came to that pass, that he made away many acres of arable land to buy him books of that kind, and therefore he brought to his house as many as ever he could get of that subject. And among them all, none pleased him better than those which famous Felician of Silva composed. For the smoothness of his prose, with now and then some intricate sentence meddled, seemed to him peerless; and principally when he did read the courtings, or letters of challenge, that knights sent to ladies, or on to another; where, in many places, he found written: 'The reason of the unreasonableness which against my reason is wrought, doth so weaken my reason, as with all reason I do justly complain on your beauty.' And also when he read: 'The high heavens, which with your divinity do fortify you divinely with the stars, and make you deserveress of the deserts which your greatness deserves, ' etc. With these and other such passages the poor gentleman grew distracted, and was breaking his brains day and night, to understand and unbowel their sense, an endless labour; for even Aristotle himself would not understand them, though he were again resuscitated only for that purpose.

(From: 'The Delightful History of the Most Ingenious Knight Don Quixote of the Mancha'
written by, Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra translated by, Thomas Shelton.)

Poem:

Boy

I run into my old boyfriend's new boyfriend on Boylston Street and, as he talks, I fish around in my handbag, my pockets, for something sharp so I can stab him. He prattles insensitive circles: how my old boyfriend is impossible, but I already know that. I want to call him queer boy, a faggot: he keeps calling me "hun," twirling the fringe on my scarf. We have nothing in common until his goodbye: pink gums show between his teeth and upper lip. He has my goofy kind of smile, the kind my old boyfriend always made fun of. Boy, is this guy in for trouble.

(Found at http://capa.conncoll.edu/duhamel.smile.html#38 written by, Denise Duhamel)

Editor's Notes:

It's been a very long time since I have written a story about what has happened in the past week for me, and so I will assume that I will be a bit rusty. And like I said, things aren't as light hearted as they used to be, but I think I shall use this as a way to recount something amusing during the week. The first little story I would like to share involves my mom. Mom and Dad stories for me are usually a great source of amusement to myself and my friends. I love them and they make me shake my head. Recently I just came out to my mom. I assume people know what the term coming out means, yet I want to make sure. Let's see if I can find a definition of the term, ah yes this sums it up well. "Although the term "Coming Out" is generally used in the gay community to mean announcing your sexuality to your family and friends, in a broader sense it is a process whereby you say who you are and what you believe. All of us have had trouble finding the courage to express our true thoughts when those around us think differently." (found at http://www.fculittle.org/sermons/Coming_Out.htm) I grew up with a Pentecostal tradtion as a backbone of Christianity and a Mother who blindly followed the teachings of this tradtion and a father that should know better since he has been an amazing student of religion since he became born again in his twenties. So, even though my parents taught me compassion and open-mindedness it was, and still is, within the boundaries of bringing someone to salvation. My mom used to say things like, "I don't want you hanging around 'those' people they may rub off on you, " and " If you ever told me certain things (translation: that you are gay) it would be the last nail in the coffin on my life." So it was no surprise, though amusing in a sad kind of way, the conversation we had while walking to the dock at Lake Calhoun from Chino Latino where my mom had just spent an evening with her old friend from Soul's Harbor. These being the friends she would not say anything to, "so they will just look at you and not think about it." So many details I could be adding here...so many and really the gist of it is I told my mom, "So I have a new roommate Ben." "Really?" "Yea, he was an old roommate of a friend of mine...I really god lucky. And you'll be glad to know he is straight," said with an amused smile. "Well praise the Lord. At least some prayers are answered, " said with complete sincerity. Sad yet amusing.

The History of Literally Speaking and the New Begining

2005-09-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

Well, as some of you know I used to do something called Literally Speaking. I like to call it one of the original blogs...before blogs began. For those who don't know I used to send out a weekly newsletter of sorts that included lyrics from a song or two, a poem, and an excerpt from short a book. The idea was that I would keep up culturally by doing this because I would listen to new music, read new poems, and keep myself reading something in general. At the end I would include what I called an Editor's Note which is what blogging is today. Actually, it started off just as random storytelling that had nothing to do with my real life (and that's when Literally Speaking was called Linguistically Speaking...I really don't know when the named switched over) and then it turned into a recap of something that happened earlier in the week. As I have said many time, my storytelling is much better when, a) the event just happened and all my emotion is still in the telling, and b) when I write it down. What I ended up finding out was that no one was reading the Lyrics, Poems, or Excerpts and at the time that pissed me off because I spent some good time on such things, and also I learned that a lot of people just read to edit my Editor's Notes to see how many gramattical errors I had made for that week. So if you know me it's not a surprise that I would get pissed send out an e-mail saying I am not doing it anymore and no one really cared and blah blah blah, but then a select amount wrote back saying just how much they enjoyed it and my ego was restored and it went on. This has actually happened a couple of times. Someone out there I hope still has all my stories....it's like my journal from my college years and many of the memories I have is because I wrote it down. Anyway, so here is the offical new Literally Speaking and it even has a new name "Jho's Place" and you gotta love that. I am sure the same people will be finding all my flaws in writing and I know they will enjoy that and I know they will enjoy whatever stories I have to share too. My life has had darker turns since I was in college and things seem a bit more complicated and that may mean for subjects that are not as lighthearted as then, but I also still have that amazement about little things and random thoughts that sometimes make me half smile to myself. So, welcome and enjoy my "stream of conciousness " style of writing.

-Jho