After Processing
I just got back from talking to a therapist I check in with. Basically I realized the lesson I needed to learn from the slip I had is to SLOW DOWN. I give myself a lot of grief because I feel that I am intellegent enough to be able to get 'this.' I want it all to happen now. I want to do what I know I am capable of immediately instead of reminding myself that it took me 30 years to get to who I am now, and it will probably take 30 more to reverse all of that. I wish as a young folk I didn't need to learn things for myself, espeically since how I choose to cope from childhood to this adult life rarely was "healthy." I am trying to step back and I admit it's tough. I want to show the world just how much I have to give, and I want them to respect me for it NOW! Yea, that never worked in the past for me either.
Putting it all together
My chiropractor has been giving me Adam Robbins' "motivational" CD's one at a time. I bring one home, listen to it two times, then take notes on it and do the homework given. Really it's thearpy just like the 12 steps are thearpy to me. The main idea is changing the way I think. In some circles this is called cognative/behavioral therapy. Adam presents it rather simply. I go through life craving pleasure and trying to avoid pain and I go about it in a rather backwards manner. In counceling I have said things like, "The only way I can really understand true happiness is if I experience utter and total depravity," and "I act out with food, sex, and substances to keep myself grounded and stay humble." This past weekend I had a major slip and I have wanted to focus on all the negatives that surround it and not give myself the easy way out, and yet I always feel a sense of renewal when I do this. I attribute all the positive ways of thinking and progress I have made as a person to my darkest moments in life thus I attribute the extreme punishment I put my body, mind and spirit through as a means to the ulimate pleasure of appreciating life. This is a breakthrough thought for me. I have really thought this on some level but never had the words to put to it or have I felt the hope that I can change this destructive thought pattern. I honestly don't know how to move forward from this yet, but now I know that I must train myself to see that creating pleasure in my life will reap the ultimate pleasure of appreciating life on life's terms. What a task.
And what to say. I have just bought a the HTML Dog book on line to be sent to my house. I like the idea of getting the same information but having it in a form that allows me to look away from the computer once in a while. I also have failed miserable to figure out how to create a business card design through google searches. More than likely I need to have a specific program, like a pagemaker or something, and it's time I invested in a 'h' portable drive? I don't remember what it is called. Victor told me about it and I am sure that if I asked the local Radio Shack guy (I
know Radio Shack! The guy who helped me at the Lyndale Neighborhood store helped me a ton the last time I was there, and I love community!), so he's got my business. So, with this 'h' portable drive thing I get my stuff done at the Library which I prefer hands down. Why is this? Well, I like the time limit it gives me, I enjoy getting out of the house, and this way I walk more. All the same reasons why I enjoy taking the bus. It seems the "producing" a show thing for the Fringe is a no go. I would've have like to have done it and at the same time I like that it's not. Then again, it's not over until the April 1st deadline. I went on a retreat this weekend and I was so ready to come back home the second I got into my rides car. I can't explain how the "energy" was heavy and anxious and a whole jumble of, well, bad energy. I don't think anyone can ever explain a weird vibe. It was a tense weekend for me since I found it hard to engage those around me and I tried all viable approaches I know including just plain not trying so hard. lol I have an amazing Chiropractor who I feel is also like a life coach for the health of my body, mind and spirit (I am not sure if I already mentioned this) and today I even told him I am gay and he didn't blink. Now keep in mind I have been seeing this guy about two times a week, my body is a crazy mess right now, and we talk about almost everything vaugely, so I felt he needed to know. Hmmm.....what else. I am going to the Arty Party at the MIA this Friday. I got Victor to go with me as my "date" and as my good friend who will be sober during the party with me. I am not worried about the party and I am looking forward to how amazingly cool I know it will be.
OK, that's all for today and I will touch base later.
This a quick update
I have about 16 minutes left on my computer time here at the Downtown Minneapolis Library. These past two months of recovery for the most part have been amazing. I did have about two days of set back (meaning old emotions and feelings not acting out), but the network I have been working on of program friends to call has helped me so much. I have turned things around, with the help of others listening, and have tried different approaches and it has worked.
Here is a quick list of some positive things going on.
1. I am no longer trying to make my voice heard at the LNA, instead I am getting to know the staff just for the people that they are.
2. I am going to develop a website for this comapny
www.audioportrait.com and also am going to be initially be doing the start up for their marketing. I am going to be learning so much
3. I finally stepped into a temp agency, AppleOne, who works with Target, Olson Advertising, and other companies I have been looking at working for
4. I am going to a retreat this weekend with people from one of my meetings and that can only build relationships as far as I am concerened
5. I get to look for patio furniture for my building though the limit is $500
6. I am trying to organize a site specific show (BYOV) for the Fringe Festival this year which is the first couple of weeks in August. This way I get to make potentially more money for working for a considerably less amount of time. And if it does not pan out, then at least I tried and that is making me happy right now.
I am sure there is more, and I have no intention of adding anymore. I also am hopeful that I will have something to pay the bills soon while I work on the stuff I am loving.
Today has been like a lot of others. Moments of cool contemplation, moments of dehydration, moments of sadness, moments with anxiety, moments of energy, and moments for the need to sleep. I am at a nap moment right now. I really want to take a nap because anytime I stare at a computer screen and try to think at the same time my vision gets blurry. I am trying to convert my building finances excel spreadsheet into a personal finace spread sheet, and I do not know all the formulas I need to know. At least I think I don't, because I can't get the desired outcome of taking my total balance and subtracting it from my expenses to keep a running talley of what is in my bank account after I enter new expenses information in. I am sure it's easy and I just got stuck and not able to see the simple solution. I may attempt to do it tomorrow, or even once again after I am done typing this.
As for the other moments, I do find that I really am a morning person once I get going. I enjoy getting things done before I ever get out the door. Having a sense of accomplishment as the start of the day is really nice. I made it to church today for an Education Class which is taught by this guy Chester. He and I have had conversations about religion and spirituality and I have enjoyed his point of view. Today's class starts a five class series about Atonment. The idea that Christ was the last sacrfice and no human, agricultural or animal sacrifice was ever needed again. It was interesting to me to be in a room full of people that tend to lean towards the "God is love" ideal and forget that there is elements in the fundamental traditions that are important to remember. Everyone needs to be challenged on what they believe so they may have the potential for deeper beliefs. I am looking forward to the classes
When I met up with Kristina, Sarah, Amy and Tim for breakfast after church, the enevitable question came up again when the talk came to me looking for work. "Have you thought about doing something that is involved with your degree?" People in my life seem to not grasp how hard it was for me to "walk away" from it. I finally feel I can incorporate what I have learned about the Deaf Community and apply it to basically any sub-culture group in the US. It brought back a flood of emotions and anxiety that I have not felt in a long time when asked that question. I guess that is part of recovery, it leaves me more vulnerable, but I do not collapse inside anymore or ignore it. I try to ask the question, "What is this feeling trying to teach me?" As long as I don't pick up and use or act out then the next day I have better clarity and understand. My perception of it for now it that going to college to be a Sign Language Interpreter was the last time I felt I have a clear direction in my life, that I had a lot of great, amazing resources to start a carreer, and I had motivation. After I lost all that, I floundered and thought I would never feel a sense of direction again. Well, unlike when the question was asked before, I now have direction and like where I feel my life is heading. This is the first time in 8 years I have felt this way, and to be reminded of how my life toppled on top of me where I thought I would NEVER have a happy thought or memory again is tough.
Writing this out now has helped me process though, as it always does, and I hope there is something in your life that you can relate to this situation and gain something from reading this.
Have a good day all.
